New Website and Blog

Well, according to this blog, I've been on Sabbath for 3 years...haha! Not exactly true :) I HAVE been on Sabbath from blogging, but not from ministry. Here is our website where all future blogging will take place: logansforlife.weebly.com

sabbath

I'm taking ballet. I have my own ballet shoes. And once a week, I'm learning to twirl across the floor. It's part of my Sabbath strategy.

Several months ago, I was diagnosed with "barreling down the road to burn-out". The good folks at the missionary training institute pointed out the symptoms that I had been ignoring. Why? Because I believed I was a super-hero. I was supposed to save the world. No, I HAD to save the world. And ultimately, no sacrifice within myself was worth turning back.

The fatal flaw in that idea is that if you sacrifice yourself, then you no longer exist. And if you no longer exist, you can't exactly save the world. Much less be a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a friend.

By God's grace, I began to learn the theology of Sabbath. Not Sunday itself. But the IDEA of a Sunday. Closing the door to the outside world and resting. Saying no even when you have the right answer. Even when the person's need is so legitimate and you are overwhelmed with the desire and compassion to do something. And most of all, even when it doesn't feel good to rest. It actually hurts. But you know that if you don't, you will be completely gone and you'll have nothing to give to the very person you long to be with.

Christ did this. He did it a lot. And I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

I'm still in the U.S.A. I don't know when I'll leave. I'm not showing up to social events very often. I'm not volunteering for anything at all. And I'm taking a ballet class even though I've never danced a step in my life. Because I'm on Sabbath. Regardless of how I feel about it.

furloughing contradictions

Furlough

How do you define a term that at once is a contradiction? Furlough is a missions term describing the 2 months to 2 years of time when the missionary returns to their home country to rejuvenate, reconnect, and reeducate before returning back to their assigned ministry location. It’s the term Geoff and I have been using to label our 2-month turned 10-month trip to the USA. On paper and in my daydreams, it was to be a lovely affair of dining with friends, reveling with family, and resting on my own. It has been all of these things. And simultaneously, it has also been the closest thing I’ve experienced to the emotional chaos felt by a pregnant woman! So much so, that I was even worried recently that I might BE pregnant simply because of my emotional instability. I was not. But, the emotional roller coaster remains. This has been a time of hiding back tears, stifling screams, and downing lots of coffee to keep myself from slipping into psychological sleep. Wow, that sounds terrible.

Reverse-culture shock is said to be one of the biggest stressors for folks returning home. And for me, it’s the mystery of it that makes it so difficult. What I mean is, I don’t know WHY I want to cry, or scream, or sleep. I just do. And the slightest little things set my mind reeling. That UNKNOWN perpetrator is so hard to deal with because I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is. My marriage is strong. My daughter is sweet and beautiful. My job is a dream. So why do I feel this way?

I don’t know the answer yet. But here are a few guesses. For one, we’re in a new home every few weeks, often every few days. Two, I am immersed in the American culture of consumerism of which I can’t take part because I don’t have closets to fill with things I don’t need. Three, intimacy with my husband is just that. Intimate. And therefore very difficult when you’re always surrounded by someone else’s things. Fourth, being here makes me want to enjoy the things of America. But I have to go back to the Philippines. We’re not finished yet, and I know that. But the American dream is so strong on this soil…a house, a job, a family, a church, a stable consistent life of security. Nevermind the fact that this is not what life is really about much less truly attainable. Fifth, I’m an introvert. How an introvert ever found a place living overseas, I don’t know. Nonetheless, the constant engaging with others, while truly a number one priority for me (as relationships are more important than anything else on this planet), it is very tiring. Sixth, the polarization of American politics since we left the first time is incredible. And a little scary. So many are completely consumed with the politics of the nation that they miss the bigger picture of respecting and honoring one another. I know there’s a lot to be concerned about and I’m privileged to live in a nation where we have the ability to voice these concerns. But I’m not more interested in what Obama is doing wrong than I am with what God is doing right all over this planet. Seventh, people change. I’m a different person than I was when I left. Life experiences have sobered an already melancholy person. My loved ones here are different too. My friends and family have experienced life’s issues while I’ve been gone. And we can’t come together and slip right into the way things were. And that’s hard. Eighth, when you’ve been giving giving giving giving for two years straight, its hard to not slip into “what’s mine is mine and I’m getting mine!” mentality when you have a break in the work of giving. Its not helping anybody, including myself, to be that way. Ninth, I'm simultaneously wanting to be here AND there. Alone AND with friends. Giving AND receiving. Mourning AND enjoying. Moving AND being still.

So, there’s a few of my preliminary guesses at maybe why I’m feeling the way I do. None of it earth shattering. Hence the mystery that is furlough.

home sweet home

We kinda disappeared over the last few months. A month in Thailand and then an exhausting stint of trying to move our entire household into a little room in just 3 days and continue pleasing all those around us. When we finally made it to the States, we kinda crawled into a hole and stayed there for awhile. But, we're finally surfacing again, mentally and emotionally. Hence, this blog post.

We are currently homeless, sleeping in different beds every few days. The food is awesome but our growing bellies not so. Some people want to hear our stories. But most don't. However, its nice to be home. Its nice to feel the cold air. Its nice to hear Ariel giggling with her grandmothers. And its nice to begin thinking about the Philippines as a place we're moving forward to rather than wanting to leave behind.

in times of war

Just as I'm about to turn the light off for a good nights sleep, I look up to survey the ceiling one last time. Its a nightly ritual And lo and behold, there's a cockroach poised just above my head. Great. So, Geoff whose many titles include cockroach annihilator, comes to take care of it so I can rest my head in piece. But what does he find? Not just one, but many. PLURAL cockroaches. And not just any kind but the gargantuan flying kind. So, as I am writing this, Geoff AND our friend Lucky are now killing cockroaches in our bedroom. It sounds like a war zone in there. Sigh. Almost home.

5 minutes of cacophony

When we first moved to the Philippines, I remember thinking it was incredibly "noisy" in our "out of the way" neighborhood. I've since gotten used to it. But, the other day, I was trying to take a nap, and I was reminded again of how the sounds wafting in are so different from one place to another. Like a sound sketch of that place. I decided to listen intentionally for 5 minutes to see what the Philippines sounds like. This is what I heard:

A little girl singing
someone hammering
pots and pans clattering
dogs barking
roosters crowing
goats bleating
ice cream vendor's bell ringing
cars driving
airplanes flying
stray cat meowing
gecko clucking
school bell dinging
distant thunder rolling

What does your window sound like?

the list is getting shorter

I got to mark one more thing off my "what I want to do before I die" list today. I need to make a longer list!

Limited Time Offer

Some things you just NEED to do while you're young.

The other day, I was finding relief in a cup of coffee while my husband exercised in the gym next door (note: I DID exercise that day, just not quite as long as usual :) I NEEDED that cup of coffee. I NEEDED the silence (relatively speaking) of the little corner table in the back of the shop. I had my language lesson workbook open trying to frantically stuff more words and grammar into my brain before my next lesson, but the silent moment was like a door of a musty room flung open to the spring air. And I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift out on the wind.

What was I thinking about? I was musing on how a few weeks earlier, while Geoff was in Mongolia, I had such an easier time getting all those "extras" done that I couldn't seem to find the time to do now. Those extras being really not "extras" at all...bible study, quiet meditation, language learning, relationship building, and feeling a general sense of awe at my exotic surroundings. Why, now, when our family is together am I so busy again? The work required to learn a new language and to enjoy this culture increased exponentially when Geoff returned. Its not at all Geoff's fault. The fact of the matter is, being a full time culture learner, a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time worker, is difficult. And I had the thought, "Boy, I wish I was single!"

OK, that is NOT true. I do NOT wish I was single. At all. But, I realize that having a family greatly increases your work at home and greatly decreases your ability to soak in and give out in every other area that you would like to. Having a family IS my work. And it would be wherever I lived. This sometimes makes me question why, then, am I all the way over here?! But nonetheless, this is where I'm supposed to be. Salt. Even in my daily family life.

But, it WOULD be easier if I were single. To engage with the world. So, I guess this is an encouragement to anyone who is "putting off" doing the amazing thing until they get a little more established, a little more money, a little more whatever. Take advantage of the ability you have as a single to be spontaneous. To think about the world and go there. To take action. To invest in relationships. To do the unthinkable.

Family life is wonderful. And being a family overseas has its rewards. But singleness, is a limited time offer. Redeem it. Spend it. And use it well.

Just like the movies.

You know on TV when you see people at an exclusive resort & spa, and Asian women are twisting them, turning them, walking on them, and the person's like, "Oh! Ow! Arghh! Ahhh..." Well, I totally just had that experience! Geoff and I's date tonight was a Thai massage. One and half hours for $6 bucks. Painful and exhilirating all at the same time. Just like the movies. Can't do THAT in the States :)

the dance

Dancing happens a lot around here. Not the twirling kind to a thumping beat, but the subtle communication that happens between people. We often say that driving here is like doing a dance because relationships (whether between drivers on the road or friends in their homes) are maneuvered by discreet, round about, non-confrontational, obscure communication that skirts around the real meanings on a tip-toe.

Helen (our housekeeper) and I danced today. [Now, before you get distracted by the fact that we have a housekeeper (yeah, I know, its crazy!), realize that housekeeping here is like selling a house. It has to be SPOTLESS all the time. The ants will come in hordes to devour a crumb in minutes. The window screens (not just the windows, the screens!) have to be washed every week or they will be brown with gunk from the pollution. Even our shoes have to be washed regularly and stored in plastic bags so that roaches do not lay eggs in them. (Yuck, I have to look in my shoe every time I put it on, just in case). So, all of our financial support could go to me cleaning all day, or we could spend a little of it on a housekeeper, and I can do the things we came for.... Ok, enough of my soapbox....]

I have been wanting to take Ariel to the beach for the day just to relax and enjoy nature. But our friends haven't been able to join us. I've also been wanting to develop my relationship with Helen (which is quite complex culturally as it juggles the Filipino rules of class system, work, and friendship).

So, the day before I was planning to go, I asked Helen if she would like to join us and bring her kids. She laughed and said, "Oh that would be nice! But I don't have the money for that."
E: "Its OK, If I'm inviting you, I will take care of the cost. And besides, the place we're going is not expensive."
H: "OK, that would be nice! Maybe I can bring some snacks because my kids eat a lot when they're swimming."
E:" Yeah, sure, that sounds great."

OK, so we're set...right? I thought so. But the next morning, Helen texts me to say that she wants the day off to do her laundry. Huh?!

There could be multiple reasons as to why she did this. It could be that she didn't want to incur debt. If someone is overly giving to you, you become indebted to them and they sort of have a power of you. It could be that she was embarrassed that she didn't have the money to pay for herself. It could be that she or her kids didn't want to go. It could be that she wanted to check my sincerity by forcing me to offer again. It could also be because I said no (indirectly, of course!) to an invitation to her house earlier or because I didn't give her extra money this week when she hinted for it. Or, I could assume that she really wanted to do the laundry bad enough to not receive a day's pay!

Needless to say, Ariel and I did not go to the beach, and we have no idea why!

So, we continue on with the dance. :)

fertilizer

One of the cool things about our current life situation is the time that Geoff and I get to spend together. Of course, I write this as he's spending a month in Mongolia(!), but we're speaking generally here. :)

I guess the big difference is the shift in what our "work" life looks like. In the States, work is compartmentalized. Its something that you do, on your own, from 8-5 everyday. And then, you come home to your "family" life and do that (sometimes together, sometimes not). There were things that I loved and hated about that scenario. But either way, its very different here. In the Philippines, we are living our lives as our "work". Everything we do, from parenting Ariel to cooking food to working with musicians, is all considered our work. The main reasons I can think of as to why its this way is:

1. We're always being watched.
2. Things are not as convenient and, therefore, take more teamwork.
3. Its a priority we've made.

Doing life (that is work and play) together as a team was something we longed for in the States, but it just didn't seem possible. Moving here, we determined to take the opportunity given us and make some decisions that would determine how much time we had. We completely espouse to the idea that all of life is worship. And our experience here has really brought that idea home.

Having so much time together has also brought its challenges. We find out in what ways we DON'T get along :) and we suddenly have the time to hash through all the issues in our marriage that were easy to put off before. Both of these things did not "feel good" at the time, but having invested the time to walk through it and learn and grow and heal together, has been amazing. And if thats the only reason that God took us thousands of miles away from our busy US life, then it was worth it. We have experienced a friendship and love that could only be cultivated with the fertilizer of time and intention. And thank God for giving us that.

scenes from the weekend

Geoff is in Mongolia this month, so Ariel and I are doing what we can to fill our days with interesting things (so many of which are usually provided by Daddy himself!) I think we're managing well.

holy days

Today, I came home to dozens of motorcycles and vehicles lined up outside of our gate. Trying to figure out what was going on, I looked across the road to see a circle of people standing around a ring made of corrugated tin. It's a cockfight. Not your normal everyday neighborly activity in the U.S. Why is there a cockfight in front of my gate? Because its Fiesta week! Every neighborhood has its own identity. It has its own little mayor and its own fiesta. Fiestas are usually centered around a particular Saint and several masses are given in the local chapel. And when you're not going to church, you're betting on roosters :) Cockfighting is considered a national sport in the Philippines. Arenas range from the small setup in front of my gate to large expos (like a rodeo). I won't go into the details of the fighting, but apparently the real show is during the betting which happens live as one person, the Kristo, takes bets from the center ring with centuries old hand signals and somehow keeps them all straight. Interesting trivia, Kristo is also the word for Christ, the connection being the stretched out arms of the bet taker while he is taking bets.

So, there's a cultural lesson for you. I thought about putting a picture of a cockfight up, but know of a few friends in particular who would not appreciate that :) So, I'm opting for Ariel and I checking out a row of "Cocks" waiting to play the game (and no, she did not witness the fighting!):



By the way, our neighborhood is "Holy Trinity Village," and I don't know who our neighborhood Saint is. I guess I should find out.

standing in the gap

Recent report from a project I've been working on...

Mindanao, Philippines in 2009
When Operation Mobilization’s Philippines mission director first dreamed of Heart Sounds International coming to his home country, he was coordinating HSI's Mongolia project in 2003. Finally, that vision became a reality. This month, HSI's Southeast Asia coordinator, Erica Logan, partnered with multiple organizations to host and lead a songwriting event in Mindanao, the southernmost island of the Philippines. Twenty six people from a range of backgrounds gathered to test the waters of creating new songs for the first time. Among the group were pastors and musicians from three tribes in the southern Philippines.

Anticipation surrounded the event as believers who risk persecution in their home communities gathered together in a safe environment to pray, share, and create something new for the Lord. Over the course of three days, teaching on biblical worship and redeeming culture were shared along with ideas for indigenous songwriting. Because the religious situation in this area is delicate, the participants brainstormed ways to infuse their native melodies and song styles with Christian truths in a way that would be acceptable to their communities. Among the corpus of new songs were songs to encourage “the least of these” such as evacuees and street children, songs to address cultural issues such as revenge and loss of identity, songs to accompany everyday activities like shelling coconuts, and songs to give glory to God in the midst of community wedding celebrations.

Geoff Logan was able to record all fourteen songs, mix them, and burn them to CDs in one afternoon. The excitement mounted as participants waited anxiously for their CD. They were so delighted to receive it! During the last session of the day, one man who had been quiet during the entire seminar stood up and talked at length about the encouragement he felt not only for his own people but also his desire to take this idea up a nearby mountain to a neighboring tribe. We celebrated how the Holy Spirit was inspiring such an immediate response to take the Good News in song!

With Erica and Geoff living in the area, it is possible to follow up on the foundations laid this week with yearly gatherings in the provincial areas. Our desire and theirs is that the seeds planted to express God’s truth in the heart languages of the participants will grow and multiply.

Punjabi Psalms

Today I worked on devotionals for musicians in Mongolia, I organized schedule and transportation issues for workers in the Philippines and Singapore, I joined my work team over skype to pray for a host of music projects around the world including my project in Thailand later this year, and on top of all of that, I made a new friend today over coffee and I witnessed another day of Ariel's beautiful life. That's at least 5 people groups, a friend, and a family that I got to share the day with or at least work on their behalf. Wow. What a day.

A good friend of mine is a composer, among many other things, and a good one. One of his many talents is to also pressure others into doing extraordinary things (Q, I mean that in a good way:) Being composition students at college together earlier in our lives has given him the ammunition to always ask me if I'm still composing....more specifically, am I creating a masterpiece. The last time he asked me this, I was finally able to reply, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am." But its not a symphony of instruments, melodies, and musical genius. Its an orchestra of lives. Those that I get to intersect with every day. And in my own way, I have the opportunity to brush their day with a new color, if you will. A new motif, if you're a musician. And in the end, I'm hoping its glorious. I'm hoping it IS a masterpiece. One that I can lay down at my King's feet and say, "Here, this is for you."

invisible

For the moms I know. And the workers in the field.


Invisible Mother...... (Annon)

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask me a question.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

the essentials

Absolute Essentials for an American woman's purse:

• Car Keys
• Large Wallet
• Brush
• Compact Mirror
• Lip Gloss
• Cell Phone

Absolute Essentials for a Filipina woman's purse:

• No car keys
• Coins for the public transportation
• Fold out fan for the heat
• Hankie to cover the nose in traffic
• Umbrella for afternoon showers
• Brush
• Compact Mirror
• Cell Phone

wrinkles in time

I've noticed this week that I've got WRINKLES! Its just a few, right around the eyes. I know that many reading this already have those and are probably thinking, "Oh whatever!", but hear me out.... "You've got such nice skin...You've always looked young like your mother." These I've always heard, and they're probably true. So, no, I know I'm not a prune, and probably never will be. And don't get me wrong. That's okay with me. But that's not the point. I'm saying that I am proud to join the ranks. Somehow, it actually encourages me. I know its easy to say that I don't mind aging from my 31 years point of view. It's just that I've always admired people who have persevered. Made it through. Have stories to tell. And those stories don't come without wrinkles. I've always imagined myself as an eccentric old professor, someday, who teaches her class through stories of her life's adventures. And of course, the students love her ;) And most of my life thus far, HAS been an adventure. And perseverance. Maybe my wrinkles are from laughing or maybe they're from crying. Probably both. But either way, they come with a few stories. And I hope I can tell them well.

song of the day

You know how when you're listening to music, and the lyrics of a particular song will jump out at you, touching something deep inside, and in that moment, time stands still...this is that song for me, today.

Come For Me by Charlie Hall

Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King

Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

Come for me

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me,
no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King.