wrinkles in time

I've noticed this week that I've got WRINKLES! Its just a few, right around the eyes. I know that many reading this already have those and are probably thinking, "Oh whatever!", but hear me out.... "You've got such nice skin...You've always looked young like your mother." These I've always heard, and they're probably true. So, no, I know I'm not a prune, and probably never will be. And don't get me wrong. That's okay with me. But that's not the point. I'm saying that I am proud to join the ranks. Somehow, it actually encourages me. I know its easy to say that I don't mind aging from my 31 years point of view. It's just that I've always admired people who have persevered. Made it through. Have stories to tell. And those stories don't come without wrinkles. I've always imagined myself as an eccentric old professor, someday, who teaches her class through stories of her life's adventures. And of course, the students love her ;) And most of my life thus far, HAS been an adventure. And perseverance. Maybe my wrinkles are from laughing or maybe they're from crying. Probably both. But either way, they come with a few stories. And I hope I can tell them well.

song of the day

You know how when you're listening to music, and the lyrics of a particular song will jump out at you, touching something deep inside, and in that moment, time stands still...this is that song for me, today.

Come For Me by Charlie Hall

Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King

Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

Come for me

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me,
no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King.

obedience vs. sacrifice

Something that I've been thinking about lately is obedience vs. sacrifice. Those are not always opposing ideas. Sometimes obedience IS to sacrifice. And, in general, this is how I've usually viewed it.

Living here, in a place where people have substantially less than the average American, I am often struggling with, "am I doing enough...should I have given more...what can I do to make this better...?" And honestly, it gets tiring. Not my willingness to give. But my uncertainty in how to. Because oftentimes, even though people are asking for physical gifts, its not what they really need...and other times, it is. And its hard to know the difference. Every time I step out my door, even to do the most menial of task or errand, I am barraged with circumstances of need. Beggars with their outstretched hands. Friends in need of a favor. Merchants hoping you'll pay more. Or just folks that have no idea that I exist. But I see them. And I see their condition. So, needless to say, the feeling to sacrifice for their sakes, often becomes an intense emotion. And since I can't do it all, I'm often left feeling disgruntled, guilty, and ashamed.

This is where the story diverges from my usual view of obedience is to sacrifice. Because in recent days, I've realized that the feelings of guilt and shame for not doing enough are not God's doing, but my own. I've recognized a root of pride that, even in my attempts to be selfless, is threatening to send its shoots to the surface, showing my motivations as false and selfish. In other words, yes, I grieve that people around me are lacking. And thats a good thing. But I don't like the part of me that seeks to "look good" in my acts of service toward them. Sometimes, I feel guilty because of what others will think. What they'll say, and how they'll judge...the rich American who has so much and gives so little.

In 1 Samuel. Saul is dethroned because of his disobedience. And what was it that he did? He kept the fattest animals to sacrifice to God when God had told him to kill them all. You see what I mean? The sacrifice was FOR God. And yet it was disobedience to do it. Why? Two reasons that I can see...1. simply because God said not to...and that should be enough reason right there. 2. because he wasn't sacrificing in God's name. Ultimately, he was sacrificing in his own name. The sin of Abel. "See, look what I've done for you, God! Aren't I great?!" And that is where my path crosses Saul's.

Thinking through this has brought me some relief. And freedom. Because I am no longer chained by my guilt of not doing enough. But freed by my desire to do whatever God tells me to. And not worry about the rest.

For me, right now, this is how it plays out...God is asking me to take this time to jump in with both feet into the Word, meditate on it, soak it in, and deepen my understanding of Him. He's wanting to heal me, comfort me, and nourish me. This takes time. Literally. And I am fighting it. Because in my mind, I should be sacrificing my time to help with every need that arises (and there are a lot!). Not spending hours alone, away from the world, listening to His voice!

Another way it plays out is motherhood. I recognize that this is the only chance I get to spend the days with Ariel. By the time we relocate back to the U.S., she will be in school. And our schedules will be full and her influences many. Now is the time to cherish the hours of play and the opportunities for teaching. Because it won't always be this easy.

I'm not throwing away God's command to go and make disciples. Instead, I have a sense that the fruit of my time spent with Him will be an awareness and a wisdom to know how to meet the needs of those around me in ways that I could not comprehend before. And the time spent with my daughter will be an investment both in the lives of those who are watching and in the future.

And above all, in my obedience, I will get the chance to know the Wonder of all Wonders in new and deeper ways. And I won't be able to keep myself from telling others what I have seen.

marriage

My sister in law and I are reading together a book by John Piper on marriage. Here's a few quotes that stood out to me this week:

"Staying married is not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant" p74

"It's meant to be a living drama of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and the church." p75

"When sin entered the world, it ruined the harmony of marriage not because it brought headship and submission into existence, but because it twisted man's humble, loving headship toward hostile domination in some men and lazy indifference in others. And it twisted woman's intelligent, willing, happy, creative, articulate submission toward manipulative obsequiousness in some women and brazen insubordination in others. Sin didn't create headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive." p79

"Therefore, headship is not a right to control or to abuse or to neglect. (Christ's sacrifice is the pattern.) Rather, its the responsibility to love like Christ in leading and protecting and providing for our wives and families" p80

And as a wife, I have the incredible task of learning, experiencing, and modeling how to respond. How I respond to my husband shows the world how to respond to Christ.

In a lot of ways, marriage is still a mystery to me. And the road has had unexpected turns, twists, and dips. But, seeing the bigger picture...seeing what it could be...what it should model...gives me the motivation to engage. And enjoy the fruit.

By the way, I recommend the book, This Momentary Marriage. While Piper's teachings on God's glory has been a life changing lesson for me, I don't always agree with how he works it out. But, none the less, I love reading his stuff because he challenges me to think. This book is inspiring because it points marriage - the good, bad, and the ugly - back to God, and that makes it worth fighting for.

a day in the life of me

well, its not that my life is incredibly interesting, but I wondered myself what I actually do in a day and here is what I got. Not much like the incredible biographies I've been reading of spiritual giants...but, maybe making a frog with my daughter counts :)

• wake up to the smell of freshly brewed starbucks coffee made by my husband (thank you mom and dad!)
• wonder whether I really want to wait in the sun for a taxi to take me to a Mommy bible study...decide not to even though I probably should have
• release my daughter from her room, half naked because she now uses her potty regularly
• hop down the hall with her to then be instantly commanded to arrange her predicted breakfast and morning video choices (the Bee Movie or CareBears along with cheese and "starfish", her name for a cereal similar to Lucky Charms)
• slip in a moment to brush my teeth before sitting down to make a market list for our helper to do the weekly shopping for fresh fruits and vegetables
• knowing that my daughter is momentarily preoccupied, I sit down to eat my toast as I indulge in a chapter of Twilight (thanks to my good friend, Chana, I have now been officially sucked in, haha good pun, to the teenage vampire love story bandwagon) I know, I know...
• water the 75 or so seedlings we are growing (tomatoes, cilantro, and flowers), I've always enjoyed a good science experiment
• finger paint a frog and snake with my daughter
• play make believe randomness on the floor with my daughter
• accept a piece of leftover birthday cake from a new friend and neighbor (and looking forward to the future possibilities of long term friendship since she's one of the few who will be here as long we we will be)
• sit down to coconut, vegetable, and fresh tuna soup along with a batch of grapes that we indulged in buying this week
• hop back down the hall with my daughter to her room for a book and kiss before naptime
• listen supportively to my husband about his struggles and victories
• now that it is stifling hot, I retreat to our bedroom where our recently installed aircon is quietly purring and luring me in for a nap myself
• wake up and discuss goals and visions about our ministry with Geoff
• work on the computer networking with other people in my field, researching the background of Asian theologists, finding flights for our Mongolia team members, planning the dates of our furlough, handling the finances of an upcoming songwriting seminar, working through the curriculum for that same seminar, and a number of other things I've already forgotten that I did
• sit down to eat nachos with homemade salsa and homemade queso thanks to chef Geoff
  
• try to convince my daughter to take one bite at a time
• try to convince my daughter that the little ants on the table are not harmful and actually quite fun to squash
• proceed to the bathroom where my daughter, now drenched in bubble solution, needs a shower
• run out screaming "Daddy, Daddy!" as a roach comes out of the drain (so much for teaching Ariel confident squashing techniques)
• finish the bath, drink a glass of ice tea, and work thru Ariel's bedtime routine (climbing the wall to turn off the light, flying to the bed, jumping on the bed, singing an array of songs, bedtime prayers, and finally goodnight kisses)
• proceed upstairs in the hope of continuing my more adult like work
  
• find myself in a long conversation with Geoff regarding who the best rock voices are while browsing facebook
• continue my distractions by writing this blog
• decide to go to bed with all intentions to be more productive tomorrow

There it is. In all its glory.