rubber ducky

I think I turned a corner today. At least I hope I did. I had a revelation while I was the only white girl riding in a jeepney packed full of Filipinos looking at me through the corner of their eyes. I will NEVER fit in. EVER.

In the missions classes, they teach you to learn the culture and do your best to "when in Rome, live as the Romans do." In fact, the folks who are successful at it get this sort of "you're my hero!" respect as the ultimate of ultimate missionary. So, I went into this thinking, "yeah! I'm going to be the best of the best. The one who really learns the language, really delves into the culture, dresses like them, acts like them, rides the public transportation, totally blends in, and who the natives call one of their own."

But it's been more than a year, and I still feel like this:

(Except all the ducks are craning their heads backward to look at me!)

It's been a lot of pressure to try to fit in. And it makes going out in public frustrating because as hard as I try, I am still the plump white woman with a blond haired, blue eyed little girl in my arms, looking slightly bewildered under a mask of, "yeah, I'm cool. I buy things that I'm afraid to eat!"

So, to have my revelation of myself as a pink duck in a yellow duck world, is a bit of a relief. Experience has taught me that the glorification of the invisible missionary is a little over rated and misleading. Why don't I stop trying to hide and start learning to live. Yes, I am different. I will never be a Filipino. And instead of having a chip on my shoulder because everyone stares at me, perhaps I should celebrate the differences, smile, and say hello.

I'm hoping this is not just a fleeting good idea. I hope that it has roots that sink deep into my psyche. Because I need to move on. I need to make the most of this life. And I need to take the risk of loving people despite my own discomfort.

God help me.