Saturday, August 31, 2013
New Website and Blog
Well, according to this blog, I've been on Sabbath for 3 years...haha! Not exactly true :) I HAVE been on Sabbath from blogging, but not from ministry. Here is our website where all future blogging will take place:
logansforlife.weebly.com
Sunday, August 22, 2010
sabbath
I'm taking ballet. I have my own ballet shoes. And once a week, I'm learning to twirl across the floor. It's part of my Sabbath strategy.
Several months ago, I was diagnosed with "barreling down the road to burn-out". The good folks at the missionary training institute pointed out the symptoms that I had been ignoring. Why? Because I believed I was a super-hero. I was supposed to save the world. No, I HAD to save the world. And ultimately, no sacrifice within myself was worth turning back.
The fatal flaw in that idea is that if you sacrifice yourself, then you no longer exist. And if you no longer exist, you can't exactly save the world. Much less be a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a friend.
By God's grace, I began to learn the theology of Sabbath. Not Sunday itself. But the IDEA of a Sunday. Closing the door to the outside world and resting. Saying no even when you have the right answer. Even when the person's need is so legitimate and you are overwhelmed with the desire and compassion to do something. And most of all, even when it doesn't feel good to rest. It actually hurts. But you know that if you don't, you will be completely gone and you'll have nothing to give to the very person you long to be with.
Christ did this. He did it a lot. And I can't imagine how hard it must have been.
I'm still in the U.S.A. I don't know when I'll leave. I'm not showing up to social events very often. I'm not volunteering for anything at all. And I'm taking a ballet class even though I've never danced a step in my life. Because I'm on Sabbath. Regardless of how I feel about it.
Several months ago, I was diagnosed with "barreling down the road to burn-out". The good folks at the missionary training institute pointed out the symptoms that I had been ignoring. Why? Because I believed I was a super-hero. I was supposed to save the world. No, I HAD to save the world. And ultimately, no sacrifice within myself was worth turning back.
The fatal flaw in that idea is that if you sacrifice yourself, then you no longer exist. And if you no longer exist, you can't exactly save the world. Much less be a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a friend.
By God's grace, I began to learn the theology of Sabbath. Not Sunday itself. But the IDEA of a Sunday. Closing the door to the outside world and resting. Saying no even when you have the right answer. Even when the person's need is so legitimate and you are overwhelmed with the desire and compassion to do something. And most of all, even when it doesn't feel good to rest. It actually hurts. But you know that if you don't, you will be completely gone and you'll have nothing to give to the very person you long to be with.
Christ did this. He did it a lot. And I can't imagine how hard it must have been.
I'm still in the U.S.A. I don't know when I'll leave. I'm not showing up to social events very often. I'm not volunteering for anything at all. And I'm taking a ballet class even though I've never danced a step in my life. Because I'm on Sabbath. Regardless of how I feel about it.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
furloughing contradictions
Furlough
How do you define a term that at once is a contradiction? Furlough is a missions term describing the 2 months to 2 years of time when the missionary returns to their home country to rejuvenate, reconnect, and reeducate before returning back to their assigned ministry location. It’s the term Geoff and I have been using to label our 2-month turned 10-month trip to the USA. On paper and in my daydreams, it was to be a lovely affair of dining with friends, reveling with family, and resting on my own. It has been all of these things. And simultaneously, it has also been the closest thing I’ve experienced to the emotional chaos felt by a pregnant woman! So much so, that I was even worried recently that I might BE pregnant simply because of my emotional instability. I was not. But, the emotional roller coaster remains. This has been a time of hiding back tears, stifling screams, and downing lots of coffee to keep myself from slipping into psychological sleep. Wow, that sounds terrible.
Reverse-culture shock is said to be one of the biggest stressors for folks returning home. And for me, it’s the mystery of it that makes it so difficult. What I mean is, I don’t know WHY I want to cry, or scream, or sleep. I just do. And the slightest little things set my mind reeling. That UNKNOWN perpetrator is so hard to deal with because I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is. My marriage is strong. My daughter is sweet and beautiful. My job is a dream. So why do I feel this way?
I don’t know the answer yet. But here are a few guesses. For one, we’re in a new home every few weeks, often every few days. Two, I am immersed in the American culture of consumerism of which I can’t take part because I don’t have closets to fill with things I don’t need. Three, intimacy with my husband is just that. Intimate. And therefore very difficult when you’re always surrounded by someone else’s things. Fourth, being here makes me want to enjoy the things of America. But I have to go back to the Philippines. We’re not finished yet, and I know that. But the American dream is so strong on this soil…a house, a job, a family, a church, a stable consistent life of security. Nevermind the fact that this is not what life is really about much less truly attainable. Fifth, I’m an introvert. How an introvert ever found a place living overseas, I don’t know. Nonetheless, the constant engaging with others, while truly a number one priority for me (as relationships are more important than anything else on this planet), it is very tiring. Sixth, the polarization of American politics since we left the first time is incredible. And a little scary. So many are completely consumed with the politics of the nation that they miss the bigger picture of respecting and honoring one another. I know there’s a lot to be concerned about and I’m privileged to live in a nation where we have the ability to voice these concerns. But I’m not more interested in what Obama is doing wrong than I am with what God is doing right all over this planet. Seventh, people change. I’m a different person than I was when I left. Life experiences have sobered an already melancholy person. My loved ones here are different too. My friends and family have experienced life’s issues while I’ve been gone. And we can’t come together and slip right into the way things were. And that’s hard. Eighth, when you’ve been giving giving giving giving for two years straight, its hard to not slip into “what’s mine is mine and I’m getting mine!” mentality when you have a break in the work of giving. Its not helping anybody, including myself, to be that way. Ninth, I'm simultaneously wanting to be here AND there. Alone AND with friends. Giving AND receiving. Mourning AND enjoying. Moving AND being still.
So, there’s a few of my preliminary guesses at maybe why I’m feeling the way I do. None of it earth shattering. Hence the mystery that is furlough.
How do you define a term that at once is a contradiction? Furlough is a missions term describing the 2 months to 2 years of time when the missionary returns to their home country to rejuvenate, reconnect, and reeducate before returning back to their assigned ministry location. It’s the term Geoff and I have been using to label our 2-month turned 10-month trip to the USA. On paper and in my daydreams, it was to be a lovely affair of dining with friends, reveling with family, and resting on my own. It has been all of these things. And simultaneously, it has also been the closest thing I’ve experienced to the emotional chaos felt by a pregnant woman! So much so, that I was even worried recently that I might BE pregnant simply because of my emotional instability. I was not. But, the emotional roller coaster remains. This has been a time of hiding back tears, stifling screams, and downing lots of coffee to keep myself from slipping into psychological sleep. Wow, that sounds terrible.
Reverse-culture shock is said to be one of the biggest stressors for folks returning home. And for me, it’s the mystery of it that makes it so difficult. What I mean is, I don’t know WHY I want to cry, or scream, or sleep. I just do. And the slightest little things set my mind reeling. That UNKNOWN perpetrator is so hard to deal with because I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is. My marriage is strong. My daughter is sweet and beautiful. My job is a dream. So why do I feel this way?
I don’t know the answer yet. But here are a few guesses. For one, we’re in a new home every few weeks, often every few days. Two, I am immersed in the American culture of consumerism of which I can’t take part because I don’t have closets to fill with things I don’t need. Three, intimacy with my husband is just that. Intimate. And therefore very difficult when you’re always surrounded by someone else’s things. Fourth, being here makes me want to enjoy the things of America. But I have to go back to the Philippines. We’re not finished yet, and I know that. But the American dream is so strong on this soil…a house, a job, a family, a church, a stable consistent life of security. Nevermind the fact that this is not what life is really about much less truly attainable. Fifth, I’m an introvert. How an introvert ever found a place living overseas, I don’t know. Nonetheless, the constant engaging with others, while truly a number one priority for me (as relationships are more important than anything else on this planet), it is very tiring. Sixth, the polarization of American politics since we left the first time is incredible. And a little scary. So many are completely consumed with the politics of the nation that they miss the bigger picture of respecting and honoring one another. I know there’s a lot to be concerned about and I’m privileged to live in a nation where we have the ability to voice these concerns. But I’m not more interested in what Obama is doing wrong than I am with what God is doing right all over this planet. Seventh, people change. I’m a different person than I was when I left. Life experiences have sobered an already melancholy person. My loved ones here are different too. My friends and family have experienced life’s issues while I’ve been gone. And we can’t come together and slip right into the way things were. And that’s hard. Eighth, when you’ve been giving giving giving giving for two years straight, its hard to not slip into “what’s mine is mine and I’m getting mine!” mentality when you have a break in the work of giving. Its not helping anybody, including myself, to be that way. Ninth, I'm simultaneously wanting to be here AND there. Alone AND with friends. Giving AND receiving. Mourning AND enjoying. Moving AND being still.
So, there’s a few of my preliminary guesses at maybe why I’m feeling the way I do. None of it earth shattering. Hence the mystery that is furlough.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
home sweet home
We kinda disappeared over the last few months. A month in Thailand and then an exhausting stint of trying to move our entire household into a little room in just 3 days and continue pleasing all those around us. When we finally made it to the States, we kinda crawled into a hole and stayed there for awhile. But, we're finally surfacing again, mentally and emotionally. Hence, this blog post.
We are currently homeless, sleeping in different beds every few days. The food is awesome but our growing bellies not so. Some people want to hear our stories. But most don't. However, its nice to be home. Its nice to feel the cold air. Its nice to hear Ariel giggling with her grandmothers. And its nice to begin thinking about the Philippines as a place we're moving forward to rather than wanting to leave behind.
We are currently homeless, sleeping in different beds every few days. The food is awesome but our growing bellies not so. Some people want to hear our stories. But most don't. However, its nice to be home. Its nice to feel the cold air. Its nice to hear Ariel giggling with her grandmothers. And its nice to begin thinking about the Philippines as a place we're moving forward to rather than wanting to leave behind.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
in times of war
Just as I'm about to turn the light off for a good nights sleep, I look up to survey the ceiling one last time. Its a nightly ritual And lo and behold, there's a cockroach poised just above my head. Great. So, Geoff whose many titles include cockroach annihilator, comes to take care of it so I can rest my head in piece. But what does he find? Not just one, but many. PLURAL cockroaches. And not just any kind but the gargantuan flying kind. So, as I am writing this, Geoff AND our friend Lucky are now killing cockroaches in our bedroom. It sounds like a war zone in there. Sigh. Almost home.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
5 minutes of cacophony
When we first moved to the Philippines, I remember thinking it was incredibly "noisy" in our "out of the way" neighborhood. I've since gotten used to it. But, the other day, I was trying to take a nap, and I was reminded again of how the sounds wafting in are so different from one place to another. Like a sound sketch of that place. I decided to listen intentionally for 5 minutes to see what the Philippines sounds like. This is what I heard:
A little girl singing
someone hammering
pots and pans clattering
dogs barking
roosters crowing
goats bleating
ice cream vendor's bell ringing
cars driving
airplanes flying
stray cat meowing
gecko clucking
school bell dinging
distant thunder rolling
What does your window sound like?
A little girl singing
someone hammering
pots and pans clattering
dogs barking
roosters crowing
goats bleating
ice cream vendor's bell ringing
cars driving
airplanes flying
stray cat meowing
gecko clucking
school bell dinging
distant thunder rolling
What does your window sound like?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
the list is getting shorter
I got to mark one more thing off my "what I want to do before I die" list today. I need to make a longer list!
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