Musings

sabbath

2010-08-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm taking ballet. I have my own ballet shoes. And once a week, I'm learning to twirl across the floor. It's part of my Sabbath strategy.

Several months ago, I was diagnosed with "barreling down the road to burn-out". The good folks at the missionary training institute pointed out the symptoms that I had been ignoring. Why? Because I believed I was a super-hero. I was supposed to save the world. No, I HAD to save the world. And ultimately, no sacrifice within myself was worth turning back.

The fatal flaw in that idea is that if you sacrifice yourself, then you no longer exist. And if you no longer exist, you can't exactly save the world. Much less be a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a friend.

By God's grace, I began to learn the theology of Sabbath. Not Sunday itself. But the IDEA of a Sunday. Closing the door to the outside world and resting. Saying no even when you have the right answer. Even when the person's need is so legitimate and you are overwhelmed with the desire and compassion to do something. And most of all, even when it doesn't feel good to rest. It actually hurts. But you know that if you don't, you will be completely gone and you'll have nothing to give to the very person you long to be with.

Christ did this. He did it a lot. And I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

I'm still in the U.S.A. I don't know when I'll leave. I'm not showing up to social events very often. I'm not volunteering for anything at all. And I'm taking a ballet class even though I've never danced a step in my life. Because I'm on Sabbath. Regardless of how I feel about it.

furloughing contradictions

2010-03-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

Furlough

How do you define a term that at once is a contradiction? Furlough is a missions term describing the 2 months to 2 years of time when the missionary returns to their home country to rejuvenate, reconnect, and reeducate before returning back to their assigned ministry location. It’s the term Geoff and I have been using to label our 2-month turned 10-month trip to the USA. On paper and in my daydreams, it was to be a lovely affair of dining with friends, reveling with family, and resting on my own. It has been all of these things. And simultaneously, it has also been the closest thing I’ve experienced to the emotional chaos felt by a pregnant woman! So much so, that I was even worried recently that I might BE pregnant simply because of my emotional instability. I was not. But, the emotional roller coaster remains. This has been a time of hiding back tears, stifling screams, and downing lots of coffee to keep myself from slipping into psychological sleep. Wow, that sounds terrible.

Reverse-culture shock is said to be one of the biggest stressors for folks returning home. And for me, it’s the mystery of it that makes it so difficult. What I mean is, I don’t know WHY I want to cry, or scream, or sleep. I just do. And the slightest little things set my mind reeling. That UNKNOWN perpetrator is so hard to deal with because I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is. My marriage is strong. My daughter is sweet and beautiful. My job is a dream. So why do I feel this way?

I don’t know the answer yet. But here are a few guesses. For one, we’re in a new home every few weeks, often every few days. Two, I am immersed in the American culture of consumerism of which I can’t take part because I don’t have closets to fill with things I don’t need. Three, intimacy with my husband is just that. Intimate. And therefore very difficult when you’re always surrounded by someone else’s things. Fourth, being here makes me want to enjoy the things of America. But I have to go back to the Philippines. We’re not finished yet, and I know that. But the American dream is so strong on this soil…a house, a job, a family, a church, a stable consistent life of security. Nevermind the fact that this is not what life is really about much less truly attainable. Fifth, I’m an introvert. How an introvert ever found a place living overseas, I don’t know. Nonetheless, the constant engaging with others, while truly a number one priority for me (as relationships are more important than anything else on this planet), it is very tiring. Sixth, the polarization of American politics since we left the first time is incredible. And a little scary. So many are completely consumed with the politics of the nation that they miss the bigger picture of respecting and honoring one another. I know there’s a lot to be concerned about and I’m privileged to live in a nation where we have the ability to voice these concerns. But I’m not more interested in what Obama is doing wrong than I am with what God is doing right all over this planet. Seventh, people change. I’m a different person than I was when I left. Life experiences have sobered an already melancholy person. My loved ones here are different too. My friends and family have experienced life’s issues while I’ve been gone. And we can’t come together and slip right into the way things were. And that’s hard. Eighth, when you’ve been giving giving giving giving for two years straight, its hard to not slip into “what’s mine is mine and I’m getting mine!” mentality when you have a break in the work of giving. Its not helping anybody, including myself, to be that way. Ninth, I'm simultaneously wanting to be here AND there. Alone AND with friends. Giving AND receiving. Mourning AND enjoying. Moving AND being still.

So, there’s a few of my preliminary guesses at maybe why I’m feeling the way I do. None of it earth shattering. Hence the mystery that is furlough.

home sweet home

2010-01-06T10:37:00.001-08:00

We kinda disappeared over the last few months. A month in Thailand and then an exhausting stint of trying to move our entire household into a little room in just 3 days and continue pleasing all those around us. When we finally made it to the States, we kinda crawled into a hole and stayed there for awhile. But, we're finally surfacing again, mentally and emotionally. Hence, this blog post.

We are currently homeless, sleeping in different beds every few days. The food is awesome but our growing bellies not so. Some people want to hear our stories. But most don't. However, its nice to be home. Its nice to feel the cold air. Its nice to hear Ariel giggling with her grandmothers. And its nice to begin thinking about the Philippines as a place we're moving forward to rather than wanting to leave behind.

in times of war

2009-10-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

Just as I'm about to turn the light off for a good nights sleep, I look up to survey the ceiling one last time. Its a nightly ritual And lo and behold, there's a cockroach poised just above my head. Great. So, Geoff whose many titles include cockroach annihilator, comes to take care of it so I can rest my head in piece. But what does he find? Not just one, but many. PLURAL cockroaches. And not just any kind but the gargantuan flying kind. So, as I am writing this, Geoff AND our friend Lucky are now killing cockroaches in our bedroom. It sounds like a war zone in there. Sigh. Almost home.

5 minutes of cacophony

2009-09-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

When we first moved to the Philippines, I remember thinking it was incredibly "noisy" in our "out of the way" neighborhood. I've since gotten used to it. But, the other day, I was trying to take a nap, and I was reminded again of how the sounds wafting in are so different from one place to another. Like a sound sketch of that place. I decided to listen intentionally for 5 minutes to see what the Philippines sounds like. This is what I heard:

A little girl singing
someone hammering
pots and pans clattering
dogs barking
roosters crowing
goats bleating
ice cream vendor's bell ringing
cars driving
airplanes flying
stray cat meowing
gecko clucking
school bell dinging
distant thunder rolling

What does your window sound like?

the list is getting shorter

2009-08-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

I got to mark one more thing off my "what I want to do before I die" list today. I need to make a longer list!

Limited Time Offer

2009-08-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

Some things you just NEED to do while you're young.

The other day, I was finding relief in a cup of coffee while my husband exercised in the gym next door (note: I DID exercise that day, just not quite as long as usual :) I NEEDED that cup of coffee. I NEEDED the silence (relatively speaking) of the little corner table in the back of the shop. I had my language lesson workbook open trying to frantically stuff more words and grammar into my brain before my next lesson, but the silent moment was like a door of a musty room flung open to the spring air. And I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift out on the wind.

What was I thinking about? I was musing on how a few weeks earlier, while Geoff was in Mongolia, I had such an easier time getting all those "extras" done that I couldn't seem to find the time to do now. Those extras being really not "extras" at all...bible study, quiet meditation, language learning, relationship building, and feeling a general sense of awe at my exotic surroundings. Why, now, when our family is together am I so busy again? The work required to learn a new language and to enjoy this culture increased exponentially when Geoff returned. Its not at all Geoff's fault. The fact of the matter is, being a full time culture learner, a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time worker, is difficult. And I had the thought, "Boy, I wish I was single!"

OK, that is NOT true. I do NOT wish I was single. At all. But, I realize that having a family greatly increases your work at home and greatly decreases your ability to soak in and give out in every other area that you would like to. Having a family IS my work. And it would be wherever I lived. This sometimes makes me question why, then, am I all the way over here?! But nonetheless, this is where I'm supposed to be. Salt. Even in my daily family life.

But, it WOULD be easier if I were single. To engage with the world. So, I guess this is an encouragement to anyone who is "putting off" doing the amazing thing until they get a little more established, a little more money, a little more whatever. Take advantage of the ability you have as a single to be spontaneous. To think about the world and go there. To take action. To invest in relationships. To do the unthinkable.

Family life is wonderful. And being a family overseas has its rewards. But singleness, is a limited time offer. Redeem it. Spend it. And use it well.

Just like the movies.

2009-08-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

You know on TV when you see people at an exclusive resort & spa, and Asian women are twisting them, turning them, walking on them, and the person's like, "Oh! Ow! Arghh! Ahhh..." Well, I totally just had that experience! Geoff and I's date tonight was a Thai massage. One and half hours for $6 bucks. Painful and exhilirating all at the same time. Just like the movies. Can't do THAT in the States :)

the dance

2009-06-28T05:39:00.000-07:00

Dancing happens a lot around here. Not the twirling kind to a thumping beat, but the subtle communication that happens between people. We often say that driving here is like doing a dance because relationships (whether between drivers on the road or friends in their homes) are maneuvered by discreet, round about, non-confrontational, obscure communication that skirts around the real meanings on a tip-toe.

Helen (our housekeeper) and I danced today. [Now, before you get distracted by the fact that we have a housekeeper (yeah, I know, its crazy!), realize that housekeeping here is like selling a house. It has to be SPOTLESS all the time. The ants will come in hordes to devour a crumb in minutes. The window screens (not just the windows, the screens!) have to be washed every week or they will be brown with gunk from the pollution. Even our shoes have to be washed regularly and stored in plastic bags so that roaches do not lay eggs in them. (Yuck, I have to look in my shoe every time I put it on, just in case). So, all of our financial support could go to me cleaning all day, or we could spend a little of it on a housekeeper, and I can do the things we came for.... Ok, enough of my soapbox....]

I have been wanting to take Ariel to the beach for the day just to relax and enjoy nature. But our friends haven't been able to join us. I've also been wanting to develop my relationship with Helen (which is quite complex culturally as it juggles the Filipino rules of class system, work, and friendship).

So, the day before I was planning to go, I asked Helen if she would like to join us and bring her kids. She laughed and said, "Oh that would be nice! But I don't have the money for that."
E: "Its OK, If I'm inviting you, I will take care of the cost. And besides, the place we're going is not expensive."
H: "OK, that would be nice! Maybe I can bring some snacks because my kids eat a lot when they're swimming."
E:" Yeah, sure, that sounds great."

OK, so we're set...right? I thought so. But the next morning, Helen texts me to say that she wants the day off to do her laundry. Huh?!

There could be multiple reasons as to why she did this. It could be that she didn't want to incur debt. If someone is overly giving to you, you become indebted to them and they sort of have a power of you. It could be that she was embarrassed that she didn't have the money to pay for herself. It could be that she or her kids didn't want to go. It could be that she wanted to check my sincerity by forcing me to offer again. It could also be because I said no (indirectly, of course!) to an invitation to her house earlier or because I didn't give her extra money this week when she hinted for it. Or, I could assume that she really wanted to do the laundry bad enough to not receive a day's pay!

Needless to say, Ariel and I did not go to the beach, and we have no idea why!

So, we continue on with the dance. :)

fertilizer

2009-06-22T23:37:00.000-07:00

One of the cool things about our current life situation is the time that Geoff and I get to spend together. Of course, I write this as he's spending a month in Mongolia(!), but we're speaking generally here. :)

I guess the big difference is the shift in what our "work" life looks like. In the States, work is compartmentalized. Its something that you do, on your own, from 8-5 everyday. And then, you come home to your "family" life and do that (sometimes together, sometimes not). There were things that I loved and hated about that scenario. But either way, its very different here. In the Philippines, we are living our lives as our "work". Everything we do, from parenting Ariel to cooking food to working with musicians, is all considered our work. The main reasons I can think of as to why its this way is:

We're always being watched.
Things are not as convenient and, therefore, take more teamwork.
Its a priority we've made.

Doing life (that is work and play) together as a team was something we longed for in the States, but it just didn't seem possible. Moving here, we determined to take the opportunity given us and make some decisions that would determine how much time we had. We completely espouse to the idea that all of life is worship. And our experience here has really brought that idea home.

Having so much time together has also brought its challenges. We find out in what ways we DON'T get along :) and we suddenly have the time to hash through all the issues in our marriage that were easy to put off before. Both of these things did not "feel good" at the time, but having invested the time to walk through it and learn and grow and heal together, has been amazing. And if thats the only reason that God took us thousands of miles away from our busy US life, then it was worth it. We have experienced a friendship and love that could only be cultivated with the fertilizer of time and intention. And thank God for giving us that.

scenes from the weekend

2009-06-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

Geoff is in Mongolia this month, so Ariel and I are doing what we can to fill our days with interesting things (so many of which are usually provided by Daddy himself!) I think we're managing well.

holy days

2009-06-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

Today, I came home to dozens of motorcycles and vehicles lined up outside of our gate. Trying to figure out what was going on, I looked across the road to see a circle of people standing around a ring made of corrugated tin. It's a cockfight. Not your normal everyday neighborly activity in the U.S. Why is there a cockfight in front of my gate? Because its Fiesta week! Every neighborhood has its own identity. It has its own little mayor and its own fiesta. Fiestas are usually centered around a particular Saint and several masses are given in the local chapel. And when you're not going to church, you're betting on roosters :) Cockfighting is considered a national sport in the Philippines. Arenas range from the small setup in front of my gate to large expos (like a rodeo). I won't go into the details of the fighting, but apparently the real show is during the betting which happens live as one person, the Kristo, takes bets from the center ring with centuries old hand signals and somehow keeps them all straight. Interesting trivia, Kristo is also the word for Christ, the connection being the stretched out arms of the bet taker while he is taking bets.

So, there's a cultural lesson for you. I thought about putting a picture of a cockfight up, but know of a few friends in particular who would not appreciate that :) So, I'm opting for Ariel and I checking out a row of "Cocks" waiting to play the game (and no, she did not witness the fighting!):

By the way, our neighborhood is "Holy Trinity Village," and I don't know who our neighborhood Saint is. I guess I should find out.

standing in the gap

2009-05-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

Recent report from a project I've been working on...

Mindanao, Philippines in 2009
When Operation Mobilization’s Philippines mission director first dreamed of Heart Sounds International coming to his home country, he was coordinating HSI's Mongolia project in 2003. Finally, that vision became a reality. This month, HSI's Southeast Asia coordinator, Erica Logan, partnered with multiple organizations to host and lead a songwriting event in Mindanao, the southernmost island of the Philippines. Twenty six people from a range of backgrounds gathered to test the waters of creating new songs for the first time. Among the group were pastors and musicians from three tribes in the southern Philippines.

Anticipation surrounded the event as believers who risk persecution in their home communities gathered together in a safe environment to pray, share, and create something new for the Lord. Over the course of three days, teaching on biblical worship and redeeming culture were shared along with ideas for indigenous songwriting. Because the religious situation in this area is delicate, the participants brainstormed ways to infuse their native melodies and song styles with Christian truths in a way that would be acceptable to their communities. Among the corpus of new songs were songs to encourage “the least of these” such as evacuees and street children, songs to address cultural issues such as revenge and loss of identity, songs to accompany everyday activities like shelling coconuts, and songs to give glory to God in the midst of community wedding celebrations.

Geoff Logan was able to record all fourteen songs, mix them, and burn them to CDs in one afternoon. The excitement mounted as participants waited anxiously for their CD. They were so delighted to receive it! During the last session of the day, one man who had been quiet during the entire seminar stood up and talked at length about the encouragement he felt not only for his own people but also his desire to take this idea up a nearby mountain to a neighboring tribe. We celebrated how the Holy Spirit was inspiring such an immediate response to take the Good News in song!

With Erica and Geoff living in the area, it is possible to follow up on the foundations laid this week with yearly gatherings in the provincial areas. Our desire and theirs is that the seeds planted to express God’s truth in the heart languages of the participants will grow and multiply.

Punjabi Psalms

2009-05-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

With Pakistan being in the news recently, I thought I would post this. It's a video of a Psalm in Punjabi recorded by one of the organizations I partner with. There are no faces for security reasons. It's encouraging to know that even in the midst of hard things, God is there.

2009-05-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today I worked on devotionals for musicians in Mongolia, I organized schedule and transportation issues for workers in the Philippines and Singapore, I joined my work team over skype to pray for a host of music projects around the world including my project in Thailand later this year, and on top of all of that, I made a new friend today over coffee and I witnessed another day of Ariel's beautiful life. That's at least 5 people groups, a friend, and a family that I got to share the day with or at least work on their behalf. Wow. What a day.

A good friend of mine is a composer, among many other things, and a good one. One of his many talents is to also pressure others into doing extraordinary things (Q, I mean that in a good way:) Being composition students at college together earlier in our lives has given him the ammunition to always ask me if I'm still composing....more specifically, am I creating a masterpiece. The last time he asked me this, I was finally able to reply, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am." But its not a symphony of instruments, melodies, and musical genius. Its an orchestra of lives. Those that I get to intersect with every day. And in my own way, I have the opportunity to brush their day with a new color, if you will. A new motif, if you're a musician. And in the end, I'm hoping its glorious. I'm hoping it IS a masterpiece. One that I can lay down at my King's feet and say, "Here, this is for you."

invisible

2009-05-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

For the moms I know. And the workers in the field.

Invisible Mother...... (Annon)

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask me a question.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

the essentials

2009-05-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Absolute Essentials for an American woman's purse:

Car Keys
Large Wallet
Brush
Compact Mirror
Lip Gloss
Cell Phone

Absolute Essentials for a Filipina woman's purse:

No car keys
Coins for the public transportation
Fold out fan for the heat
Hankie to cover the nose in traffic
Umbrella for afternoon showers
Brush
Compact Mirror
Cell Phone

wrinkles in time

2009-04-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

I've noticed this week that I've got WRINKLES! Its just a few, right around the eyes. I know that many reading this already have those and are probably thinking, "Oh whatever!", but hear me out.... "You've got such nice skin...You've always looked young like your mother." These I've always heard, and they're probably true. So, no, I know I'm not a prune, and probably never will be. And don't get me wrong. That's okay with me. But that's not the point. I'm saying that I am proud to join the ranks. Somehow, it actually encourages me. I know its easy to say that I don't mind aging from my 31 years point of view. It's just that I've always admired people who have persevered. Made it through. Have stories to tell. And those stories don't come without wrinkles. I've always imagined myself as an eccentric old professor, someday, who teaches her class through stories of her life's adventures. And of course, the students love her ;) And most of my life thus far, HAS been an adventure. And perseverance. Maybe my wrinkles are from laughing or maybe they're from crying. Probably both. But either way, they come with a few stories. And I hope I can tell them well.

song of the day

2009-04-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

You know how when you're listening to music, and the lyrics of a particular song will jump out at you, touching something deep inside, and in that moment, time stands still...this is that song for me, today.

Come For Me by Charlie Hall

Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King

Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

Come for me

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me,
no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King.

obedience vs. sacrifice

2009-04-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

Something that I've been thinking about lately is obedience vs. sacrifice. Those are not always opposing ideas. Sometimes obedience IS to sacrifice. And, in general, this is how I've usually viewed it.

Living here, in a place where people have substantially less than the average American, I am often struggling with, "am I doing enough...should I have given more...what can I do to make this better...?" And honestly, it gets tiring. Not my willingness to give. But my uncertainty in how to. Because oftentimes, even though people are asking for physical gifts, its not what they really need...and other times, it is. And its hard to know the difference. Every time I step out my door, even to do the most menial of task or errand, I am barraged with circumstances of need. Beggars with their outstretched hands. Friends in need of a favor. Merchants hoping you'll pay more. Or just folks that have no idea that I exist. But I see them. And I see their condition. So, needless to say, the feeling to sacrifice for their sakes, often becomes an intense emotion. And since I can't do it all, I'm often left feeling disgruntled, guilty, and ashamed.

This is where the story diverges from my usual view of obedience is to sacrifice. Because in recent days, I've realized that the feelings of guilt and shame for not doing enough are not God's doing, but my own. I've recognized a root of pride that, even in my attempts to be selfless, is threatening to send its shoots to the surface, showing my motivations as false and selfish. In other words, yes, I grieve that people around me are lacking. And thats a good thing. But I don't like the part of me that seeks to "look good" in my acts of service toward them. Sometimes, I feel guilty because of what others will think. What they'll say, and how they'll judge...the rich American who has so much and gives so little.

In 1 Samuel. Saul is dethroned because of his disobedience. And what was it that he did? He kept the fattest animals to sacrifice to God when God had told him to kill them all. You see what I mean? The sacrifice was FOR God. And yet it was disobedience to do it. Why? Two reasons that I can see...1. simply because God said not to...and that should be enough reason right there. 2. because he wasn't sacrificing in God's name. Ultimately, he was sacrificing in his own name. The sin of Abel. "See, look what I've done for you, God! Aren't I great?!" And that is where my path crosses Saul's.

Thinking through this has brought me some relief. And freedom. Because I am no longer chained by my guilt of not doing enough. But freed by my desire to do whatever God tells me to. And not worry about the rest.

For me, right now, this is how it plays out...God is asking me to take this time to jump in with both feet into the Word, meditate on it, soak it in, and deepen my understanding of Him. He's wanting to heal me, comfort me, and nourish me. This takes time. Literally. And I am fighting it. Because in my mind, I should be sacrificing my time to help with every need that arises (and there are a lot!). Not spending hours alone, away from the world, listening to His voice!

Another way it plays out is motherhood. I recognize that this is the only chance I get to spend the days with Ariel. By the time we relocate back to the U.S., she will be in school. And our schedules will be full and her influences many. Now is the time to cherish the hours of play and the opportunities for teaching. Because it won't always be this easy.

I'm not throwing away God's command to go and make disciples. Instead, I have a sense that the fruit of my time spent with Him will be an awareness and a wisdom to know how to meet the needs of those around me in ways that I could not comprehend before. And the time spent with my daughter will be an investment both in the lives of those who are watching and in the future.

And above all, in my obedience, I will get the chance to know the Wonder of all Wonders in new and deeper ways. And I won't be able to keep myself from telling others what I have seen.

marriage

2009-04-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

My sister in law and I are reading together a book by John Piper on marriage. Here's a few quotes that stood out to me this week:

"Staying married is not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant" p74

"It's meant to be a living drama of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and the church." p75

"When sin entered the world, it ruined the harmony of marriage not because it brought headship and submission into existence, but because it twisted man's humble, loving headship toward hostile domination in some men and lazy indifference in others. And it twisted woman's intelligent, willing, happy, creative, articulate submission toward manipulative obsequiousness in some women and brazen insubordination in others. Sin didn't create headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive." p79

"Therefore, headship is not a right to control or to abuse or to neglect. (Christ's sacrifice is the pattern.) Rather, its the responsibility to love like Christ in leading and protecting and providing for our wives and families" p80

And as a wife, I have the incredible task of learning, experiencing, and modeling how to respond. How I respond to my husband shows the world how to respond to Christ.

In a lot of ways, marriage is still a mystery to me. And the road has had unexpected turns, twists, and dips. But, seeing the bigger picture...seeing what it could be...what it should model...gives me the motivation to engage. And enjoy the fruit.

By the way, I recommend the book, This Momentary Marriage. While Piper's teachings on God's glory has been a life changing lesson for me, I don't always agree with how he works it out. But, none the less, I love reading his stuff because he challenges me to think. This book is inspiring because it points marriage - the good, bad, and the ugly - back to God, and that makes it worth fighting for.

a day in the life of me

2009-04-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

well, its not that my life is incredibly interesting, but I wondered myself what I actually do in a day and here is what I got. Not much like the incredible biographies I've been reading of spiritual giants...but, maybe making a frog with my daughter counts :)

wake up to the smell of freshly brewed starbucks coffee made by my husband (thank you mom and dad!)
wonder whether I really want to wait in the sun for a taxi to take me to a Mommy bible study...decide not to even though I probably should have
release my daughter from her room, half naked because she now uses her potty regularly
hop down the hall with her to then be instantly commanded to arrange her predicted breakfast and morning video choices (the Bee Movie or CareBears along with cheese and "starfish", her name for a cereal similar to Lucky Charms)
slip in a moment to brush my teeth before sitting down to make a market list for our helper to do the weekly shopping for fresh fruits and vegetables
knowing that my daughter is momentarily preoccupied, I sit down to eat my toast as I indulge in a chapter of Twilight (thanks to my good friend, Chana, I have now been officially sucked in, haha good pun, to the teenage vampire love story bandwagon) I know, I know...
water the 75 or so seedlings we are growing (tomatoes, cilantro, and flowers), I've always enjoyed a good science experiment
finger paint a frog and snake with my daughter
play make believe randomness on the floor with my daughter
accept a piece of leftover birthday cake from a new friend and neighbor (and looking forward to the future possibilities of long term friendship since she's one of the few who will be here as long we we will be)
sit down to coconut, vegetable, and fresh tuna soup along with a batch of grapes that we indulged in buying this week
hop back down the hall with my daughter to her room for a book and kiss before naptime
listen supportively to my husband about his struggles and victories
now that it is stifling hot, I retreat to our bedroom where our recently installed aircon is quietly purring and luring me in for a nap myself
wake up and discuss goals and visions about our ministry with Geoff
work on the computer networking with other people in my field, researching the background of Asian theologists, finding flights for our Mongolia team members, planning the dates of our furlough, handling the finances of an upcoming songwriting seminar, working through the curriculum for that same seminar, and a number of other things I've already forgotten that I did
sit down to eat nachos with homemade salsa and homemade queso thanks to chef Geoff
try to convince my daughter to take one bite at a time
try to convince my daughter that the little ants on the table are not harmful and actually quite fun to squash
proceed to the bathroom where my daughter, now drenched in bubble solution, needs a shower
run out screaming "Daddy, Daddy!" as a roach comes out of the drain (so much for teaching Ariel confident squashing techniques)
finish the bath, drink a glass of ice tea, and work thru Ariel's bedtime routine (climbing the wall to turn off the light, flying to the bed, jumping on the bed, singing an array of songs, bedtime prayers, and finally goodnight kisses)
proceed upstairs in the hope of continuing my more adult like work
find myself in a long conversation with Geoff regarding who the best rock voices are while browsing facebook
continue my distractions by writing this blog
decide to go to bed with all intentions to be more productive tomorrow

There it is. In all its glory.

home

2009-03-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, Geoff and I were watching The Two Towers (Lord of the Rings) and having a great time. Content. Happy. Etc. Then, seemingly out of the blue, Geoff says, "I miss home." And I said, "Yeah, I do too." And in that moment, I was able to connect the dots...the themes of the movie...our own feelings of missing home...and the big picture of why we're here on this planet. And I thought about how its much like missing our REAL home. The one of eternity in the full presence of God.

Geoff and I are happy here. We don't pine away for things we don't have (at least not most days). And yet, we don't feel completely at home. But rather...we're here to do a job. And we are doing it to the best of our ability...and even enjoying it although its hard. But thats not all there is. Its a stop along the way toward something bigger...and better.

Sometimes, I feel this longing really strongly...for life with God when there is no glass separating us from full knowledge of him. And at other times, its a faint thought in the back of my mind. But, its always there. Ever present. Forever glowing with the hope of a future. And it urges me on. To keep doing. Keep believing. Keep trusting. Keep laying myself down in surrender...

...Sometimes it feels like a surgical procedure...but even in my pain...I close my eyes and breathe deep. Knowing that my hope is not in vain. And one day, I will open my eyes and be surrounded by His glory, forever more.

estrogen

2009-03-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

You know you truly have a little girl when she is making tea wearing sunglasses and butterfly wings.

dog meat

2009-03-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I thought I was going to have a great story to post today. I went to a birthday party where on the table was a barbecued animal that looked suspiciously like a dog. Knowing the rumors of dog eating in this country, I wasn't too surprised but actually a little excited to be "living on the edge" and eating something I would never dream of trying in a normal life. The host of the party went on to explain that they actually raise dogs on farms for this purpose. So, with courage, I cut off a sliver and stuck it in my mouth. It actually tasted quite good! But I wasn't going back for seconds.

However, I soon found out it was just a joke and my dreams of telling my great grandkids about eating Filipino mutt died away. It was a goat. Haha! Its amazing how this little bit of information changed my willingness to go back for seconds :)

So, there you have it. My story about not eating dog in the Philippines.

a little love in chiang mai

2009-01-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

scenes from a day in Bangkok

2009-01-17T05:40:00.001-08:00

Just to prove I was really there...
From my little hotel, I hopped onto a river ferry and got off here (after going the wrong way first!), at one of the many street markets...
I don't know how many temples I went to, but it was a bunch. And a lot of people. Its too many photos for this little blog, but they'll be posted on flickr when I get back. I spent most of my time wandering around wondering at all the people doing whatever they can to gain merit and find some sense of peace.

Praying before an enormous reclining statue of Buddha, supposedly representing the sublime state he was in when he died...
One of the more plain buildings, but there was a monk walking by, so I snapped the shot and I think its one of my favorites...

Just because its cool...
Some of the building were so extravagent, it was incredible...and bewildering to be honest...

I wish I knew what they were praying for...
To end my day, I hopped back on the ferry (this time going the right way), and ate a savory Thai meal overlooking the river at sunset...

A perfect ending (except for Geoff not being there at such a romantic moment).

phranakorn-nornlen

2009-01-16T19:27:00.000-08:00

The door opens and I'm immediately transported into a place of calm. Incense washes over me, green and water surrounds me, rich colors are everywhere, and I'm immediately given a glass of fresh cold herbal tea.
I'm in Bangkok, and I think I must be staying in the coolest place in the whole world. I'm so relaxed, I don't even want to leave to see the actual city! Its a bed and breakfast nestled in a city alley. Passing by, you would never imagine what was inside. I came in at 2 in the morning after a long day of sitting in city traffic, more standing in lines, and sitting again in the air. So, to walk into this place was a treat for the senses.
My room is complete with burning candles, homemade soap that smells awesome, complementary tea for detoxation, and a CD collection labeled morning, afternoon, and evening so that my life can be a soundtrack while I am here. On the roof is a garden, and the view looks straight toward an enormous Buddha that takes up a whole city block.
So, to say the least, I am enjoying myself. The only thing that is missing is my husband!

It feels similar to what you imagine living in Venice would be like. From my balcony this morning, I was able to get a shot of the neighbor washing her clothes.
This is the free internet cafe. See those pillows? That's where you get massages. At one point, I was skyping Geoff on the computer, and behind me was the garden filled with incense, on the other side of me was a waterfall, and in front of me were two people getting massages. Amazing.

This place is way too sexy to be alone.

street scenes

2009-01-16T00:21:00.000-08:00

Street scenes from Manila...

During a very long taxi trip, we pulled up behind a truck of chickens. Most were not moving. The boy is a street kid who climbed up while the truck was stopped to poke at the chickens. The other man is a hawker who walks between the cars selling random goods (some of the things I saw were drinks, bird eggs, folding tables, dusting mops...)

Row of bicycles waiting to take passengers
Slum community along the river

The jeepneys are covered with wild and random paint jobs...this one is sporting the profiles of Kurt Cobain, Bon Jovi, Axl Rose, and Bob Marley, among others.
When the jeepney is full, you just hop on the back. It was hard to get a picture of, but there were also a lot of kids just playing on the sidewalks in the middle of heavy traffic.

being honest

2009-01-07T03:48:00.000-08:00

I'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed that Geoff is out of town.
I'm annoyed that there are so many bugs who see my computer (and consequently my eyes, nose, and ears) as a beacon of hope.
I'm annoyed that its 8pm and I'm still sweating.
I'm annoyed that I can't pick up a glass of water without looking in it just to make sure there's not anything else in it.
I'm annoyed that I can't walk to my bedroom without wondering if I'll step on a bug.
I'm annoyed that I can't go anywhere without standing in the hot sun for 30 minutes and then hoping that the person picking me up can understand what I'm saying.
I'm annoyed that when I finally get there, I have a headache from the pollution.
I'm annoyed that I can hear termites chewing the wood in our cabinets.
I'm annoyed that everything molds.
I'm annoyed that the hot water shuts off in the middle of my showers.
I'm annoyed that I can't go outside without wondering if a mosquito will make me or worse, Ariel, sick.
I'm annoyed that in a year and a half, I have never once been in my pj's when someone didn't knock on my door or look in my window.
I'm annoyed that I can't have a normal conversation with anyone except Geoff.
I'm annoyed that its only been one and a half years and three and a half to go.
I'm annoyed that I want to go home.
I'm annoyed that I'm overstuffed with comfort food which I've eaten out of my annoyance.
I'm annoyed that I have all this work that I love doing waiting for me, but I'm too annoyed to work on it.
I'm annoyed that there's no one to share my annoyance with.
I'm annoyed that I care so much about being annoyed.
I'm annoyed that I'm sitting here annoyed when there are so many other things that I should really be concerned about.
Did I say Geoff was out of town?

I just typed this out from the top of my head. And I've debated posting it because after reading it, I realize how sorry and pitiful I sound. But, I guess that is what my blog is supposed to be about. Honesty about all the sides of the experience. So, there you have it. One of my not so proud moments.

Ho Ho Ho and Maayong Pasko!

2008-12-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

meaning Merry Christmas (or literally, Good Christmas)

I was just directed toward this You Tube clip. One of the recording guys in it is a recording engineer for Heart Sounds (my organization). I found it very funny for many reasons, but one being that it is a jolly version of how we feel trying to learn the rules of this culture. They're always changing. Enjoy :)

here we go a caroling...

2008-12-17T04:28:00.000-08:00

One of the Christmas traditions here in the Philippines is caroling. But its a little different than at home. My memories of caroling at home was the spontaneous activity of the family bundling up to sing for a few neighbors. We didn't really expect anything from anyone. At the most, we appreciated a wave from the window. At the least, we hoped they didn't turn their lights out when we started singing!

Here, the expectations are a tad different. Groups of people, mostly kids, will go from door to door singing Christmas songs for cash or food. It is an expectation, and even a fond memory of Filippinos, to have something on hand to give all the carolers that come by throughout the season.

For the past two weeks, we've had people singing outside our gate EVERY night. Tonight, the group sang one song and then shouted "MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" incessantly for 10 minutes waiting for someone to come give them something.

I haven't really figured this tradition out yet, because it seems so backward to me. Kind of a "Let me bless you so you can bless me" sort of thing. Its not that I'm against caroling, or even children hoping for a handout. But, I have yet to understand how we're supposed to have enough money to handout to group after group for evening after evening, weeks on end. I don't really get the "merry" part of that, but maybe somehow I'm missing the point. I still do that alot around here.

Here's a video as an example. This is not our house. I grabbed this from YouTube. But its a great example of how it works (notice the THIRD group starting up as the video ends :)

Geoff and I were joking that we should get all the foreigners together and go caroling at the Filipino houses!

Christmas time is here!

2008-12-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

Rain, glorious rain!

I know I blog a lot about rain. But, you have to understand, we live in the land of eternal sweatiness. At least for us white folks. But, today, it is raining. And its W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L! It's not only raining, but its barely making 70 degress outside which is the coldest its been in a year and a half.

I've been putting off making Christmas cookies because it gets so hot in the house with the oven on. But, today, I'm in the mood for a cookie marathon. Thank God for cool weather and Christmas treats!

Maybe I'll even wrap a few gifts.

balut

2008-12-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

You may of heard about Balut, a Filipino delicacy. Ever wondered what it looks like?

That would be an unborn duck, cooked, peeled, and ready to eat. Yumm! I bet you're ready to hop on a plane now!

it's official

2008-11-27T00:37:00.000-08:00

I just got back from teaching a class on Ethnomusicology for the very first time. I was excited to get the experience and also a little nervous because I'm not usually the one in front of people. I'm the one in back with the two year old. So, I traveled 4 hours to a place called Nasuli, a training facility owned by SIL where decades of work has gone on to translate the Bible into local languages. It was a beautiful and peaceful place and I felt honored to be on ground representing the legacy of sacrifice so many people had made so that the Gospel could be understood. It was the first time I was officially introduced to a crowd of people as an Ethnomusicologist. When I got up there to teach, I actually had something to say and knew somewhat what I was talking about. (For some reason this surprised me!) It was really encouraging because I was also able to meet with small groups of translators who had questions about how they could encourage indigenous music in their areas, and I was excited to be able to help them with ideas. Anyway, as someone just starting out in the field, it was a good feeling to be finally away from the books and into my "official" role.

A lot of people were concerned about me taking on this part time "job" while raising Ariel, but honestly, it has been the best thing for our family. It has given me the opportunity to make an impact outside my home as well as inside, and neither one has suffered. In fact, both are healthier because of the balance. Geoff is a willing tag team partner in caring for Ariel, and Ariel has blossomed under the guidance from both parents on a daily basis.

So, its been good.

Here's a pic of some of my students (they were from all over SE Asia, USA, and Switzerland):

The view along the way:

And finally, me at 2am before class day still trying to fit 2 years worth of course work into 4 hours of teaching!

In the coming year, I'm coordinating 3 projects, one as a co-leader in Thailand, one in Mongolia, and one right here in my city. I'm blessed to be only 30 years old and doing exactly what I dream of. God is good.

rubber ducky

2008-11-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

I think I turned a corner today. At least I hope I did. I had a revelation while I was the only white girl riding in a jeepney packed full of Filipinos looking at me through the corner of their eyes. I will NEVER fit in. EVER.

In the missions classes, they teach you to learn the culture and do your best to "when in Rome, live as the Romans do." In fact, the folks who are successful at it get this sort of "you're my hero!" respect as the ultimate of ultimate missionary. So, I went into this thinking, "yeah! I'm going to be the best of the best. The one who really learns the language, really delves into the culture, dresses like them, acts like them, rides the public transportation, totally blends in, and who the natives call one of their own."

But it's been more than a year, and I still feel like this:

(Except all the ducks are craning their heads backward to look at me!)

It's been a lot of pressure to try to fit in. And it makes going out in public frustrating because as hard as I try, I am still the plump white woman with a blond haired, blue eyed little girl in my arms, looking slightly bewildered under a mask of, "yeah, I'm cool. I buy things that I'm afraid to eat!"

So, to have my revelation of myself as a pink duck in a yellow duck world, is a bit of a relief. Experience has taught me that the glorification of the invisible missionary is a little over rated and misleading. Why don't I stop trying to hide and start learning to live. Yes, I am different. I will never be a Filipino. And instead of having a chip on my shoulder because everyone stares at me, perhaps I should celebrate the differences, smile, and say hello.

I'm hoping this is not just a fleeting good idea. I hope that it has roots that sink deep into my psyche. Because I need to move on. I need to make the most of this life. And I need to take the risk of loving people despite my own discomfort.

God help me.

Life Is What You Make Of It...Or is it?

2008-10-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

I've had so many thoughts rolling around in my head lately, and I've wanted to blog them so often, but I haven't been able to put them all together in a coherent pattern. So, for the sake of posting something, I'm going to go on a bit of a ramble and see how it comes out...

Living here has been hard, emotionally, lately. The emotional roller coaster ride that one naturally rides in life seems to take faster turns and deeper drops when living in an unfamiliar home away from home. In my journey to navigate these emotional waters, I find myself battling to keep my joy. And I can tell I'm in the midst of a spiritual war that often translates into small daily things becoming deeply significant.

The other day, I was thinking of how to respond. Right now, I have a deep longing for home now that the holidays are approaching and the weather is changing in the U.S. Where I am, these meaningful changes that mark the yearly cycle of life experiences do not happen. The sun shines as hot as it did 6 months ago, and nobody cares about the pilgrims, giving thanks, or pumpkin pie. In my head, I thought, well, "Life is what you make of it, right?" I've just got to pull up my bootstraps and make it happen myself. But as a phlegmatic, my motto tends to more often say "Life is what takes the least amount of effort!" instead. The problem with this motto so natural to me is that life gets stale when you're always the victim of circumstance. And, both mottos fail to point to the source of real power we have in life, that is Christ.

So, I have begun to dwell more of my thoughts on Christ, who he was, what kinds of things he did, why it matters. I have to admit that Christ in my faith walk has usually been a "doorway" to God. I pray to "God" and thank him that Christ made it possible. But I find myself with more of an urgency recently to not look thru Christ toward God (although that is a beautiful thing), but rather to look at Christ directly. And camp out there for awhile.

And the cool thing is that while I do that, the joy that I've been battling for starts to spring up on its own. And then I find myself taking charge of my circumstances. But its not out of my own will power to make life better. It's out of a deep indescribable sense of peace that something amazing lies in the existence of Christ and I can't help but enjoy life more. Even though nothing on the "outside" has changed.

So, with all of that said, I've noticed how little things can bring great joy when you are looking for it. And because of Christ, all these little things become much sweeter. I'd like to share with you a few of the little things that have made me smile lately...

1. Doing arts and craft projects with my daughter. I think it is more for me than her but she seems to enjoy me enjoying myself :) Here we are making gingerbread "snakes" and toilet paper roll caterpillars.

2. Enjoying wind chimes. I've loved wind chimes since I was a little girl browsing the seashell shops of the Texas coast. I bought this one recently and have loved the texture and color it has brought into the room. (Yes, it is inside, not outside, because it would rot within a few weeks from the humidity)
3. Decorating a Fall Wreath. Ariel and I don't have a lot to work with when looking for evergreen plants to decorate a wreath for the fall season. But we took a walk, found what we could, and attempted to glue it all onto a piece of cardboard. I thought it turned out pretty well!
4. Christmas lights. For about $20 bucks and a crazy trip to the chinese market, we have been able to turn our courtyard into a little winter wonderland. The temperature might not change, and the mosquitos might still be out, but in OUR house, its the holidays!
5. Enjoying Beautiful art. A friend and colleague pointed me to a site that promotes the artwork of believing artists from Asia. I LOVE taking in the creative ways people from around the world express their love to God. Here were a few of my favorites by Sawai Chinnawong.

The Lost Sheep, The Good Shepherd

The Lost Son

6. Crafting curriculum for people around the world. I am currently putting together a training manual of sorts for Geoff and I to use. It will give the believing artists in this area of the world a practical guide for understanding biblical worship, how to encourage it in their area, and how to understand and create musical concepts that will communicate God to their own people. It gives me great joy to dig into the scripture, look at the works of other artists and music researchers, and think about how to communicate that to an artist in Mongolia, Thailand, or the Philippines. I can't wait to be in heaven and join in with the multitude of worshippers and all of their creative expressions! I guess I have an eternity to enjoy that, so for now, I am content with sharing the joy of the arts with folks here on earth.

7. Reading a great book. I am currently reading The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun. It is the account of a Chinese believer during the 80's. His story and all those he describes is deeply challenging. I've learned that these folks have a different take on suffering than we do in the West. In fact, he often says things that I've heard respected pastors booed at for saying in the U.S. It's not a fashionable take on suffering, but this guy doesn't have the luxury of fashion. If you want to know what people have endured for the sake of their faith and the amazing ways they find joy in it (!), then this is the book to read. I highly recommend it.

So, there is the end of my rambling. I hope that a coherent thought jumped out at you somewhere along the way. Although my little things seem insignificant and perishable, it is what they represent that is significant and eternal. A mother daughter bond. The beauty of nature. Memories of home. Expressions of love to the Creator. And connections with "family" all over the world. To name a few.

Life is what CHRIST makes of it!

And he makes it worth living.

the jokes on us

2008-10-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

That dreaded day has dawned. The day when your sweet innocent two year old drops her banana, and in a passionate moment of expressing her frustration at that insolent banana, you find out what curse word you use the most. There's no denying it, you know? No way to cover it up. It's a big condemning finger pointed RIGHT AT YOU.

Well, of all the words she could be using, it could be worse. Her current word of choice is "G*d!!" But there's just something about a two year old saying it that brings out its ugliness. What's funny is that in our wittiness we have been inserting, "Gosh!" every time she says it (which is a lot right now). Even our non-English speaking helper is saying, "Gosh!" now. But today, a new word emerged..."Sh*t!" So, somehow in our efforts to curb our tongues, we've unknowingly replaced one expression with another!

Oh well.

comic relief

2008-10-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

I actually have a few very serious topics that I've been musing over and want to blog about, but I just couldn't pass this up. Every time we go out, we see signs ranging from the hilarious to the mysterious. We want to start a running list of all the strange things around here that make us laugh. So, I figured I'd make my first installment.

You fill in the blank.

signs of greatness

2008-09-30T00:13:00.000-07:00

"A great man
shows his greatness
by how he treats little men."

Geoff and I were making the 10 hour trip back to Davao along winding roads, mountains, and coastlines. We had been driving all day when we came up behind an 18wheeler with messages printed on its mud flaps. Behind the right tires, this statement was printed in large multicolored English. Please...read it again...just to humor me!

"A great man
shows his greatness
by how he treats little men."

My jaw literally dropped and I busted out laughing saying, "Does that...say...what I think...it says?" The other mud flaps were labeled with bible verses about the fruit of the spirit. Wow, I'm hoping something was lost in translation because if this guy really means what he's saying, then he has really missed the point.

hiding place

2008-09-07T00:36:00.000-07:00

We are hiding out in our house today. Right now there is a crudely made sign slapped up on our front door that reads:

The Logans
are
NOT AVAILABLE
today.
Texting only!

Here in the Philippines, you are rarely formally invited over to someone's house. It is expected that you will "drop by" anytime. We probably have a minimum of 3 "guests" at different times on our days off, not to mention during the week when practices and meetings are at our house (or the fact that we live in a compound with 10 other people). And it wouldn't be so bad except that it is polite to then invite them to sit down, stay awhile, eat your food, etc. So, yesterday, after this happened and our day off was suddenly turned upside down into a string of impromptu meetings, Geoff and I found ourselves frustrated and arguing. No good. Jesting, Geoff said, "I'm going to put up a sign. People should know better than to bother Americans on their day off!" And up the sign went :) We haven't had a single knock since.

rain

2008-09-01T01:50:00.000-07:00

Ahhh... welcome rainy season. Although it was hard to capture on the photo, today it is raining a heavy fat slow rain. Thunder rolls in the distance, but it usually doesn't intrude too loudly on the peaceful sound of big rain drops soaking the earth. The rainy season has officially begun, and it will last until November. At that point, it supposedly transitions to the "cold" season which basically means mild and humid. Until then, our laundry will hang underneath the shed smelling of mildew by the time it is dry, and we will enjoy evenings under the shed with the laundry soaking in the cool air.

kaleidoscope

2008-08-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

This week I took Ariel to see the Kadayawan street dancers. Kadayawan is a festival that showcases the arts, crafts, and foods of the tribes living on our island. The street dancing featured dance troupes from each of the tribes competing on a parade route through the city. It was a whirlwind of color, movement, and sound. Absolutely mesmerizing.

You can see more pictures on our photo page at "www.flickr.com/photos/theloganfamily" or just click on the LIFE MOMENTS slideshow on the left of this page.

too much of a good thing

2008-08-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

Too much of a good thing is usually bad, right? Take mayonnaise for example. Add a nice thin layer to your BLT, and you've got a tasty treat. Mayonnaise is one of those things that is often necessary, but a little goes a long way. However, the restaurants here seem to ascribe to a different philosophy of condimentation. If you bite into a KFC chicken sandwich, you suddenly find your fingers drenched while your sandwich excretes massive amounts of mayo. Think I'm overexaggerating? The picture is proof. It's supposed to be a club sandwich. But it was more like a mayo pie. Yuck! Condiments are way out of control in Davao. Even Pizza Hut serves up its pizza pie with Thousand Island dressing squirted on top.

one more, please!

2008-08-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to make one more post about my beautiful daughter. Yes, I do have other musical, spiritual, and cultural things at hand, but how can one resist! This is a picture of Ariel as a flower girl for the first time (just yesterday). Neither girl had ever done it before, and I somehow got to be the person willing them down the aisle in front of laughing and aaahhhing guests. After several attempts of showing them how to drop the flowers (and Ariel thinking she was supposed to dump the whole bucket right there on the grass!), I finally had them hold hands and pointed to the front saying, "walk there, walk there". Ariel led the way and Angenique quickly followed. They did good.

Notice the crackers in place of the flowers? Yes, the ceremony was at 7am and that would be her last minute breakfast. And, proof that I learned something in 8th grad Home Economics class, those straps would be my first attempt at sewing something by hand in 17 years!

rabbit

2008-08-04T03:02:00.000-07:00

Our friend Mike recently came home with a pet rabbit which is conveniently kept in our yard. This means we now have a garbage disposal for our old vegetables, and Ariel has a fun pet to go along with the menagerie of cows, chickens, and pigs she sees everyday. The video below was taken this afternoon by our neighbor, Kirsten. What a cutie pie!

oh, the beauty of being 2

2008-08-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

Ariel and I having fun in front of the webcam this morning :)

Sacrifice

2008-06-30T01:29:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. Major news is that my Thesis has gone to the printer and we just got back from a too short trip to the U.S. Before leaving for the States, Geoff and I daydreamed about all of the good food we would have (like Taco Bell, ha, good is relative in our scenarioJ). Going to Wal-Mart just to wander around. Seeing so many faces that we've longed to see. And driving on wide open roads! We were able to do all of these things and more. And, they were most satisfying (although Bell is not as good as I remembered it!). However, when we landed in Manila and felt the damp air and experienced the lively Filipino security guards smiling and joking with us (as we secretly pushed thousands of dollars worth of equipment past customs!), we both had a sense of, "Ahh, we're home."

There's just one catch. The sacrifice. Ultimately, being in the U.S. was nice. But there was nothing so overwhelming that it kept us from wanting to go back to the Philippines. In fact, we were greatly encouraged and our spirits lifted about our work after visiting with so many people who care about us. But when it came time to say goodbye at the airport, I watched Jim and Betty, Geoff's parents, saying goodbye to Ariel. And I began to cry.

Geoff and I have the opportunity to make decisions for ourselves and order our lives the way we want to. But Ariel and her grandparents don't have that privilege in their relationship. And that's the kicker for me. The very hardest part of being here is the sacrifice of relationship that they must endure. Our parents have and always will be supportive of our endeavors. And I know they're proud of us. But I also know their hearts hurt to see us go. Somehow, I feel responsible.

Is it worth the cost? I don't know. Only God can answer that. And I can only be obedient to what He's asked of me. But I love my parents. I miss them. And I'm sorry for the sacrifices they have to make.

So, with that said, here are a couple of pics of Ariel with her "G-Paw" (my dad) and her Nana (Geoff's mom) taken last week.

We love you G-Paw, Nana and Grandad, Mimi and Robin, Mawmaw and Pawpaw, Granny and Grandpa. Sincerely.

Betsy's here

2008-05-17T01:22:00.000-07:00

Betsy has arrived. Most reading this will know who she is. But for those of you who don't, she's an incredibly cute and spirited 20 year old college student from Tulsa who grew up in Asbury's youth group. She was in 8th grade when I started my job at Asbury. (I won't say that makes me feel old because everyone says that and I'm not old anyway!)

Her arrival has sparked many new things. One, a change of seasons. It's been a dry one around here for quite a while. But God promises rain, and the slow shower of big wet raindrops has begun. I've come to love the daily sound of slow rain here, and the sensory experience of hearing and smelling those first few seconds of fat rain drops hitting the tin roofs aptly describes the emotional, spiritual, and mental experience of this time in my life. We've finally begun to settle in and know our way around. Ariel is growing more independent. My schoolwork is almost complete. The band is experiencing an explosion of performance opportunities. And I am easing my way back into a season of learning, composing, and performing music. Something I really haven't done since college. It's like being in that rain shower, taking a deep breath and smelling the earthy wet beginning of spring.

Betsy's arrival has also brought other things to the surface. I've realized that I hang around guys. A lot. In fact, most of play and work time in my adult life has been in mostly male company. Guys are great fun and quite weird. Which makes me laugh. But, in that environment, I forget to pay attention to the small things of being a woman. Then Betsy walks in. She passes by smelling of perfume. Painted nails, and clean hair. And it inspires me. It awakens something asleep inside. And I find myself taking a little longer in the shower.

Another blessing of her presence is the pair of fresh eyes she brings. She is seeing this place for the first time. She is experiencing the adventure of it. And feeling the reality of it's disparity. And as we talk about what she's seeing and feeling, it brings a balance to Geoff and I's cynicism and a hope of Glory that, in our hearts, had fallen under a shadow of the poverty we witness everyday.

So, all that to say...the rain has come. And it feels good. I'm looking forward to what the summer brings.

“I like big…and I cannot lie!”

2008-04-22T23:24:00.001-07:00

It all started with my saying, "My butt is tired," after having spent hours in front of the computer. It just so happened that it was Tuesday. The day of our language lesson and therefore a day filled with all of the language practice that we didn't do the rest of the week. So, naturally, since we had just learned the word for "tired" (kapoy), Geoff asked a Filipino friend for the word "butt" so that he could translate my statement (which, by the way, is "Kapoy ang akong laput.") Later that evening, Geoff and our friends Manny and Michael were traveling back from Agdao, a slum community where they had been hanging out with the teenagers. Geoff being Geoff, he began practicing his new words with Michael, also a teenager. Now knowing "butt" in Cebuano, it is naturally assumed that good practicing would include previous vocabulary such as "white" or "round" and ownership words such as "my" and "his". You can put the pieces together. Here's where it gets funny. The whole time they are in the taxi cracking up about Geoff's word combinations, Manny is watching the taxi driver whose face does not move a muscle. Absolutely no reaction at all. In fact, it is the lack of reaction that caught Manny's attention. Eventually, Geoff and Michael are let out, and Manny is alone in the car. The taxi driver turns to him and says seriously, "that American white guy…he is a missionary?!...What he is saying…that is not nice. He is naughty!" (Should note here that Geoff was also wearing a doo rag and his black utilikilt. You know, the normal Geoff attire.) Manny, being quick on his feet says, "Oh no, he is not a missionary! He has a band here. And for Americans, it's okay to talk that way." Taxi driver: "Are YOU a missionary?" Manny: "Yes, I am the missionary." HA! So now, somewhere in Davao is a devout Taxi driver who is earnestly praying for Manny to have the strength and wisdom to evangelize his friend, Geoff J And needless to say, Geoff has learned where NOT to say "butt".

What does that mean?!

2008-04-14T19:10:00.001-07:00

Geoff and I are starting our foray into house shopping. Since we are foreigners, we are not allowed to buy. Only rent. Most rentals are not advertised, and they're gone within the day. Since there is no way we can scour these unknown neighborhoods alone, we are trying to work through a realtor, but we have no idea how the real estate business works here. This is just a little anecdote of day to day communication in our world. I see a listing online that looks interesting. This alone is unusual because 98% of communication is done face to face. But this realtor seems to be ahead of the game using well written English and an attractive website. She obviously caters to foreigners. So, I email her asking for more information on the house. You must know that Filipinos will only answer one question at a time, so no matter how efficient you are at attempting to clearly communicate what you need to know, if it involves more than one question, they will only answer the LAST one you asked. So, no surprise, the first email is returned with exactly the same information that was already listed on the website. Great. That really helps.

Now, on to email two. "How do your fees work?" Answer email…"The owner will be the one to give us, we are 3 agents for that house, but its okey, we do sharing here, gain more friends as well. Whenever you are ready, let me know." Great. I don't know what that means, and I still don't know the answer.

Third email with different wording of the SAME question…"Do you charge to show the house?" (This might seem absurd in American business, but you have to ask here, because you just never know what they expect.) The reply, verbatim…"No Sir, we do not charge you anything, BUT if you insist to give us, we will heartily accept it. Best regards."

What does this mean?!! First, I wasn't insisting. I was only trying to ask the right question in order to get a clear answer. Second, are you expecting me to donate to your "cause"? What IS your cause? Am I just supposed to give you extra money just because I feel happy that day? If you're not expecting it, why would you bring it up? Third, you are a realtor with a job! Not a convent, an orphanage, or someone dying of hunger! Or is it that this little extra something on the side will insure me that you will do your job well…...<sigh>……I just don't know what it means. Or what is expected of me. What in the world is she trying to tell me without telling me?

This happens everyday. Welcome to my world.

P.S. For those grace full (and grace filled) seasoned veterans of cross cultural communication, please don't hold my ranting against me!

Turtles and Ice Cream

2008-04-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

Today was Ariel's 2nd birthday. It was filled with cake and ice cream, presents, and long talks on Skype with all of her lola's (Filipino for grandmothers). I read through her diary tonight. I started it when I was pregnant thinking that I would be one of those really cool moms someday that presented their daughter with a treasure of precious moments recorded over the years. A real "hallmark exclusive" in my make believe world :) It is amazing to watch her grow. Discover. Learn. And generally have a good attitude about it all. I've been thinking about how God must feel watching over us. How is heart must sing when I discover truth. Similar to my joy when, without my coaching, Ariel cocks her head to one side, smiles, and sweetly says, "Thank you!" when I've given her a piece of cheese or helped her with her shoes. It's hard to explain how the heart feels in these small moments. Most of the time I feel like I'm blundering my way through parenthood. I wish I had God's wisdom in teaching her things like He teaches me. I ask for it a lot. We'll see how He answers my prayer on the next season of parenthood...potty training! Ariel's big gift from us was a Turtle shaped potty. As soon as she unwrapped it, she sat on it with a huge smile and the whole room applauded. Tomorrow morning we'll see if she's as excited about riding the turtle as she was today :)

Twilight Zone

2008-03-26T20:25:00.001-07:00

The last two days I have been celebrating my 30^th Birthday. It all started in the twilight zone. Geoff and I were awoken by a startling event at 5am in the morning. With no warning, there was a group of strangers standing outside our window serenading at the top of their lungs (joined by all the neighborhood dogs, of course). We had no idea who they were, what they were singing, or why they were there. You can imagine in the haze of waking from a deep sleep, we were quite alarmed. It turns out that it is a tradition here to serenade a birthday recipient in the wee hours of the morning. Our house helper and her family and friends had gathered at 4am, rented a jeepney, and drove for an hour to sneak into our compound and scare the living daylights out of us! Of course, we didn't know what to do and probably broke a hundred rules of hospitality. They were expecting us to get ourselves and Ariel up, invite them in for refreshments, and talk about the glories of the past year. Well, we failed miserably. Later that morning, I somehow found myself baking cookies to send with Helen along with MY apologies for being woken up by strangers at 5am and not inviting them in. Oh well. I appreciate the love.

Later that day, Geoff and Ariel took me to the zoo where we were spit at by monkey, followed by a very fun lesson on the kulintang, and finally a date that evening to a Thai restaurant. My favorite.

All week I have received cards in the mail and emails from home.

Then yesterday, Geoff and Michael worked all afternoon preparing a feast for my birthday party. Mexican lasagna, garlic cheese mashed potatoes, and a harvest salad complete with blue cheese and homemade raspberry vinaigrette. Wow. We converted our living room into a cinema and watched True Lies (hilarious!) projected on the wall reinforced by our studio monitors amazing sound. And finally, we topped it off with homemade Pineapple Cake and Ginger Cream Cheese icing. It has now been decided by the group, that this will be a monthly event J

The pics are of our closest friends, here, enjoying the theater seating. Nationalities include Philippines, Germany, Holland, and the USA. It was a great night.

2008-03-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Today, I had my first lesson on the Kulintang. As an effort to get involved in the local traditional arts (and to meet the very last credit requirement of my degree!) I am learning to play this instrument. It took me a month just to find a teacher, but I met many interesting musicians along the way, so it was worth it. My teacher now is a young guy in university. The instrument is part of a larger ensemble of gongs and drums. The cool part is that these musicians and the tribes they are a part of understand whole conversations through this music. The pitches and rhythms match their language. Of course, I've only had one lesson, so I'm not able to say much yet :)

Milestone Day

2008-03-07T17:52:00.000-08:00

Today is a milestone day. After four years of working through graduate classes, one year of background preparation, and three trips to the ends of the Earth (i.e. Mongolia), I have come to the day where I begin writing something new. Something that has never been written before. What I mean is, I’m in my last month of Thesis writing and the chapter I’m beginning today describes a unique section of Mongolian music culture that has never been analyzed this way before. You would think that turning in my final copy of the Thesis would be my milestone day. But it’s not because I’ve never wanted to do this just so I could complete it. I’ve wanted to do this so that I could contribute something meaningful to the world. Is it a great invention that changes someone’s life? Will the average person watching television in their living room ever feel the effects? No. But this is the way I see it…It is a new addition to science, a way of honoring an un-thought-of people (unless you’re the kid who was just told you’ll be shipped to Mongolia if you don’t finish your broccoli), a preservation of a moment in the history of Mongol culture, and hopefully, a catalyst for a true and accurate representation of Christ to nomadic peoples that honors them rather than strips them of their cultural heritage. I’m excited today because this is what I’m passionate about. To some, this may seem a little idealistic and a lot to expect from a little paper that few people may actually read. But, I’ve always been a dreamer. And I never want to lose that slightly naïve belief that I can change the world.

definition of "ministry"

2008-02-13T05:34:00.000-08:00

Geoff and I were recently told by a local Filipino pastor:

The life of a missionary is a life of duty, not adventure; a life of sacrifice, not choice; a life of service, not profit. That is why we call our job "ministry."

Umm...wow. Okay.

I would love to hear what those of you out there think about this statement. Is this what ministry means to you?

The Journey

2008-01-29T05:27:00.001-08:00

I'm in the middle of writing my Master's thesis on the music of nomadic cultures. Today's been a hard day because after months of work, I've realized that I took a wrong turn somewhere and am heading the wrong direction from where my subject was originally supposed to take me. That means I've spent hundreds of hours reading and reviewing articles that will have little influence on my writing. And what really makes my brain shut down is that I have a major deadline THIS Friday. So, I'll be honest, I've spent a lot of time sleeping today. Much like your computer does when it doesn't want to do what you've asked of it.

When I finally mustered the courage to return to my desk, I found a little book about Ethnography ("writing about cultures") that gave me some encouragement. I had to share this with you because it so obviously reminded me not only where I'm at in my writing, but where we're all at in life. So, I'm going to give a few quotes and insert the obvious…. I open the book and the first thing it talks about is that ethnography [LIFE] is like a journey with many paths. The book claims its purpose to be "to enable other researchers [SOJOURNERS] to enjoy their journeys and to reach their destinations." Two sentences later it says, "Ironically, reaching a destination in ethnography [LIFE] often means taking false paths, coming up against dead ends or detours, and sometimes losing the way altogether."

Hmmm…that sounds familiar. What encourages me about these little statements is not that they give me some revolutionary idea, but they remind me that it's going to be okay.

With that, I'll take a deep breath, hit reboot on my brain, and return to work. …And the journey.

Who Are You Really?

2008-01-22T22:05:00.001-08:00

It's easy to get lost in your own need. I have been thinking a lot about the things I'm uncomfortable with in my new "home". Spending lots of time figuring out how to fix it, fluff the pillows as it were, and make a cozy life for myself. At the same time, Geoff and I have been taking a step back. One of the things the Philippines is teaching us is that relationships are important. So, we're trying to look for opportunities to get to know people rather than just being frustrated about the things they do that don't make sense to us. I've been noticing a few things about people. And it has helped me to care not quite as much about my cozy place. Last night, over dinner, our bass player told us that he used to sleep in a cardboard box when he was 13. That was after his dad died and his mom left. Our house helper's little boy (the same age as Ariel) has lesions on his skin and is not keeping his food down. They don't know why. Another member of our band's father just committed suicide. I know someone else who is really lonely and reaching out for relationship in the very act of cutting them off. I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to see some of these things. This is really why I'm here. Not to be a cool girl who is doing exciting things. I don't want to be a judge or commentator on the lives of other people. I just want to know them, grieve with them, laugh with them. Find the beauty of who they are. In some ways, this is new for me. At least the acting out of it. If you know me, you know I'm rather quiet. I listen a lot and don't ask many questions. The listening has done me well for the past 30 years. Now, I'm learning how to ask. "Who are you really? Why are you so beautiful?"

Note: The pic comes from my visit to a remote village in Mongolia. This girl lived in the school dormitory where I stayed. She was very quiet and did not interact much. The day before I left, she wanted to give me hug. Who knows why. We could never say more than "Hello." I wish I could have taken the time to ask her my questions.

My Little Girl

2008-01-16T19:22:00.001-08:00

Can I just say that I love my little girl? I am hiding in my office trying to produce chapters of academic ethnomusicological writings, and in the midst of deep thought I hear in the background, "Cheese? Cheese? Oh boy! Cheese!!" Amidst all the other hats I wear, I am also the mother of an almost 2 year old, and she is absolutely wonderful (most of the time!). She is currently into copycat-ing. This means that if Mommy is cooking, she must cook. If Mommy is sitting with her legs crossed, she must sit with her legs cross. If Mommy is wearing a blue scarf, well, the picture speaks for itself. The scary part is, what else is she copycat-ing from me? What mannerisms will she have for life? And the plague of every teenage girl, "You look just like your mother!" Of course, now I'm honored to be like my mother. Hopefully, she will be too.

Cinnamon Rolls

2008-01-09T22:23:00.001-08:00

So I was stingy with my cinnamon rolls, today. They were made by my hands, in my house, with my stuff, on my time, for my own comfort. So, no, you can't have one!

Here in the Philippines, everything is about relationship. Every interaction with every human being exists for specific purpose of connecting with that person. Even the sales clerk. And the shoddy construction worker. It doesn't matter what you need done. It matters if you've made them feel like a friend.

Just two days ago, Geoff was talking to our band about the early church and how everyone received and gave as they had need. We are blessed to be a blessing. And he posed the question, "What do you have to bring to the table?" For me, this hit at the core of my current dilemma. My first response was, "I've already given it. I left my home, my family, my friends, my cats, and my Wal-mart to come here. What else do I have to give?"

Colossians 3:12-14. Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

I think I need to write this one on the wall. All the missions training in the world doesn't change human nature. All of my resolution to live this verse out didn't change the fact that I didn't want to share my cinnamon roll with "friends" this morning. Again.

Yes, I gave up a lot to come here, but am I willing to share what I brought with me? God's love? My personal sacrifices don't mean much if I'm not sharing God's character with my new "friends". Does my cinnamon roll make this person feel like they're loved? Then maybe it's a sweeter gift given than received.

Stranger in a Strange Land

2007-12-02T06:48:00.001-08:00

I've been in the Philippines for 3 months now. It's like living in some alternate universe where everything is the opposite of what it should be. Parents ride motorcycles with their babies. Bribery is the most efficient way to get things done. Labor is cheap, and goods are expensive. The seasons never change. Everyone talks AROUND the subject. And the customer is not always right.

I really am enjoying the experience. I'm enjoying learning new things, meeting new people, and experiencing life in a new way. But, there is a parallel universe that still exists called "back home." Back home where things are as they should be. Friends are nearby. And Wal-Mart is just down the street. I miss home.

What are we afraid of?

2007-10-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

At the moment, I am in Mongolia. It is a beautiful and rugged place. I am here as a music researcher in the rural regions of the country. Hopefully, I can discover what forms of music will be the best mediums for sharing Christ's story with the nomadic people of Mongolia's steppe.

The interesting thing is that I came here to serve. Yet, the Mongolian believers are outdoing me! Technically, they are so young in their faith (the first Believer came to be in 1990), and yet God has given them vast amounts of wisdom and courage. Everyday, they are sharing their testimonies without fear to their people. In America, Believers have existed since the country came into being, yet, we have so little courage to share what we know with others.

Why? When the knowledge of Christ has changed our lives making it full and worth living. Why do we not yearn to share this with those we love? Why are we so afraid?

Packages

2007-09-12T20:18:00.001-07:00

Well, we're here. I have day dreamed about this moment since 1998. At that time, I had returned from a trip to Guyana with ORU and was becoming very close friends with Geoff. He had been to the Philippines and was experiencing the same kind of stirring that I was. We talked long into the night about places we wanted to see around the world and what kind of people we wanted to be if we ever lived overseas. From there, the dreams only grew, and at times were forgotten or pushed aside. God is so good. When I finished my classes at Bethel and was ready to set foot on an adventure around the world, I became pregnant. I really struggled with having to give up my dreams for the sake of my child. But I surrendered it. And like God has always done in my life, he returned the gift. And it was packaged exquisitely.

And now I'm here. Is it a paradise? No. Is it what I dreamed it would be? Yes, and no. It is spilling over the boundaries of my dreams. This can be exciting as a whole, but when you are in the moment and you are faced with a cross cultural experience that you don't understand, it feels disorienting, foreign, and uncontrolled. The biggest challenge, however, is not cross cultural experiences or the sacrifices I've made to come here. It is the fact that now I must actually live what I believe. I have had the freedom in the States to live comfortably and talk a lot about loving people in uncomfortable ways. I have been challenged by people like Mother Theresa, Bono, or Shane Claiborne to love extraordinarily. To live outside of the box in the way that I treat people and seek to communicate to them the vast love of God through my actions. But its easy, isn't it, when you are sitting on your comfortable couch in your comfortable home with your comfortable friends. And you drive to work in your comfortable car (even if it is on the brink of disaster like ours was!) and you sit at your comfortable desk. And you can put together an entire life that is essentially void of uncomfortable places.

I can do that here, too. But now, there are hundreds of people watching. Praying. Encouraging. And looking forward to seeing miraculous things from me.

It's not that this place is that much different than my home in the States. I can fashion it any way I want. The difference is that this time, I don't want to fashion my own life. I want to surrender it. And see how it comes back to me.